Dear Eric >> I stayed in an abusive marriage for too long, and for a wide variety of reasons, including that we needed my ex’s income and health insurance to cover chronic medical needs.

My now-adult son does not know the extent of the abuse in my marriage because I hid it. Regardless, he is three times more likely to become an abuser himself simply because he grew up in an abusive home.

Sadly, I have heard him berate and insult his lovely wife multiple times. I have made gentle corrections to him following his comments. The last time was at a holiday family gathering. I immediately stated that I spent years planning on leaving his father because of similar treatments, and that I knew he could be a better man and husband. I stated that his wife deserves to be treated with kindness and respect always.

I do not want to be a buttinsky into someone else’s marriage, but I do not want to sit by silently thus perpetuating another generation of abuse/domestic violence. Will I be out of step to have a private conversation with my cherished daughter-in-law and then my son? Please, help me to respectfully parent my adult son.

— Mindful Momma

Dear Momma >> Your instincts are absolutely correct. You’re in a unique position to make a difference as your son’s mother and a survivor of abuse. This isn’t meddling; it’s brave and responsible parenting.

Furthermore, your guidance can help steer your son from dangerous learned and observed behavior, as well as protecting your daughter-in-law. As you well know, having someone outside of the marriage who can offer support, protection and resources will immeasurably help your daughter-in-law. It can also help your son to find a pathway to getting help for himself. If you’re looking for ways to start the conversations, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) has a wealth of resources. You can also search for domestic violence intervention programs in your area.

You don’t have a responsibility to “save” your son. However, your desire to offer your wisdom is invaluable. Please, have the conversations that feel safe for you and also talk with a counselor or trusted friend about the emotions this brings up for you.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.