Dear Eric >> I am a late-20-something. When I told my mom I wanted to go to law school, one of the first things she said to me was that I would most likely never find a life partner. Of note, I am the only woman in my family in my generation with a college degree. I am also the first attorney in my family.

I am now three years into my career. I have been very successful in my work, but woefully unsuccessful in dating. I have tried dating apps. I have tried exploring my hobbies. I have tried asking friends to set me up, all end up fruitless.

When I talk to my friends for advice, they genuinely don’t see why I am so unsuccessful in dating. I’ve never had a healthy relationship, and the longest relationship I’ve ever had lasted six months. Looking at it objectively, I think my friends fail to realize that we all live in the Deep South, I am Black, and not the traditional standard of beauty set by society. The friends I mention are not Black and have not had to navigate through society with a double consciousness.

Ultimately my question is this: what can I do to find love? Moving is not an option for me.

— Lonely Lawyer

Dear Lawyer >> Even the most kismet-y love story can seem inevitable when told from the vantage point of hindsight and happiness, doesn’t it? “We started talking on a plane ride and we just never stopped talking.” OK ... but which plane should I get on? Middle seat or aisle? It’s hard to know what the right time and place is, especially when you’re in the right place in other areas of your life.

The bad news is I do not have a travel itinerary for you. Some of this is age and stage — you’ve put in the work to establish yourself professionally, which is wonderful. It may feel like you made a tradeoff, but what it shows is an investment in yourself. That’s one of the cornerstones of finding a healthy love relationship. If you don’t value yourself and show up for yourself, it may be hard to find someone who truly values you.

To that end, if you don’t already have a therapist, I’d strongly recommend working with one who is also a Black woman. There may be some narratives that you can leave behind — your mom’s prediction (unhelpful and untrue, even if well-intentioned); society’s messages to you about beauty; the stories you’re getting from your friends. You may also be telling yourself a story that could use adjusting.

This is not to say that the reason you haven’t found love is in any way your fault. Quite the opposite, actually. Making a regular appointment with someone who understands your identity and is trained to help you remember that you’re worthy of love, can be a brainstorming session or postmortem on dates both good and bad, but will also serve as a reminder to yourself that you’re where you need to be right now.