Dear Eric >> At the family Thanksgiving gathering, my father-in-law’s girlfriend was asked to pass my drink to me. Instead of grabbing the cup on the outside she put a finger on the inside and a finger on the outside to lift it. Thereby making me cringe with disgust that if I drank on that side, I’d be sharing her germs.

This woman is just an awful, disgusting person in general. She could probably be diagnosed as a narcissist. She is a hoarder and neglects her animals and is highly disliked by everyone in the family except my father-in-law. Quite frankly, she doesn’t deserve kindness. So why did I not call her out on tainting my cup? Why did I pretend to not notice and only take a sip on the side I knew she didn’t touch and never drink from that cup again?

If she is so openly rude on a regular basis to all of us in ways like this at the family gatherings, why couldn’t I find the words to say how that was gross, and she shouldn’t pass someone’s cup like that? Why was I keen on being polite rather than saying what I felt inside? Everyone was sitting or standing around the table when this happened, but I have no idea who saw it. So, on top of shame on myself for not sticking up for myself, there is embarrassment that others might think me just as disgusting for acting like I didn’t care that she did that. I wish I had the right words at the right time.

— Disgusted Now with Myself

Dear Myself >> I’m sorry this happened — yuck. And I’m sorry it’s caused such a spiral. While I know you know I can’t tell you why you did these things, I wanted to answer your letter because there seems to be two potentially conflicting factors at play here and I hope you can untangle them.

You don’t like your father-in-law’s girlfriend, that’s clear. But so much of your letter was about what other people think of your behavior — being kinder than you wanted to the girlfriend and then worrying that your family thought you disgusting.

People are almost never thinking about us as much as we think they are. No, scratch that. People are never thinking about us as much as we think they are. So, one thing you may want to talk to a friend or counselor about is what you want from other people’s approval and how you can get that from other ways. Ultimately, the approval has to come from inside. But if you’re primarily focused on making sure that everyone else likes what you’re doing, your own judgment will always come second. That leads to the kind of regret and self-flagellation in your letter, and the spiral begins anew. I hope you’ll work on these things.

And next time, maybe ask someone else to pass you your drink.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com