CHAIN OF FOOL

We’ve all felt shackled to the Internet at one point or another, but recent Twitter evictee and far-right activist Laura Loomer took it a step further Thursday by handcuffing herself to the front door of Twitter’s NYC headquarters. Loomer donned a yellow star of David (no, really, she did), held a placard of the tweet targeting Minnesota Representative-elect Ilhan Omar and her religion that got her banned (she has . . . a history of this), and screamed at passersby through a megaphone: “I’ve been silenced!’’ She also reached a Periscope audience of over 10,000 viewers and was the top trending topic all afternoon, just like a silenced person. Twitter users rushed to craft many a brutal Loomer meme, and after three hours of unyielding self-oppression (and once Twitter declined to press charges and said Loomer could hang out as long as she liked, just not on Twitter), she had police cut her cuffs, and left the scene, never to be heard from again. (Trying to be optimistic here.) Meanwhile, I’m still chained to the Starbucks in Central Square if someone can come help me out. Or they can just give me the peppermint schnapps latte that I ordered. Your move [squints at nametag], Eric. 

ALPHABET SNOOP

Elsewhere in ambient offensiveness, Southwest Airlines was forced to apologize after one of its employees was overheard by a passenger mocking the first name of her 5-year-old daughter (even posting a photo of her boarding pass to social media). The little girl’s name? Abcde, pronounced “ab-city’’ (like the nonexistent gym). Southwest issued an apology statement saying “the post [was] not indicative of the care, respect, and civility we expect from all of our Employees,’’ adding that the crew members had likely assumed “Abcde’’ was just “your mama’s seat assignment.’’ Jeez, guys — not helping! 

READY TO RUMBLE

Reports have only just started registering of a strange series of strange low-frequency seismic waves that “rang’’ for more than 20 minutes (as opposed to the more staccato crack more typically issued by subterranean earthquakes). Baffled scientists pointed to the possibility of shifting pools of magma causing the disturbance; others cited possible underground volcanic activity; and others (i.e. me) wondered if Earth was still tapping that cauliflower and Gruyere casserole in the fridge from Thanksgiving, because that would certainly do it. 

GO TANK!

It may seem like everything everywhere is reaching peak awfulness, but there’s also this! A multitalented young athlete in Texas named Tank Schottle is preparing to compete in the Special Olympics and has requested the assembly of an online cheering section led by celebrities, pro athletes, and (while he didn’t mention it specifically) you to help motivate him. So I’m thinking we should all stop what we’re doing and do that instead. 

MICHAEL ANDOR BRODEUR

Michael Andor Brodeur can be reached at mbrodeur@globe.com. Follow him on Twitter @MBrodeur.