Q. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a little over two years. The other day, I had a weak moment and I looked through his phone, which I’ve only done two to three times ever. I’m not at all worried that he’ll cheat on me. In fact, I was reading through his messages with guy friends to see if he ever talked about me, especially since we had a recent disagreement. That’s when I found a really disturbing conversation with one of his buddies. In it, he referred to me as “the girlfriend,’’ no name. He was making jokes about a recent disagreement we had had. (I was upset one night when he went out for drinks with his buddies because we had made plans to see each other, but he had forgotten about his prior engagement.) Anyway, he typed, “I should never have told her I was out drinking beers, I have to learn to lie more.’’ His friend responded, “You had a few beers. It’s not like you [slept with] her sister.’’ My boyfriend responded, “And man, if I go down, I would much rather it be for [sleeping with] her sister lol. Her sister is so hot.’’

It was a longer conversation, but that’s the gist of it. I find this incredibly disrespectful to myself and my family. I know it was “guy talk,’’ but that doesn’t excuse it. I don’t know what to make of it and how to bring it up. How can he say he loves me and respects me and then talk about me like that for a few cheap laughs from his buddies?

Snooper

A. You snooped because you wanted to find out how he felt about your fight. That says a lot, doesn’t it?

Something about your argument made you feel like you weren’t understood. Maybe cheating isn’t an issue, but you are worried about fundamental respect in the relationship.

My advice is to tell him everything — that you felt uneasy after your argument, that you snooped, and that his messages confirmed your fears. Make sure you apologize for snooping (you should; it’s not OK, even two or three times). Then see what he has to say. I’m sure he’ll have plenty of rationalizations for the sister comment. See if you can live with any of them.

As you consider your future with this man, please think about whether you can continue the relationship without ever breaking into his phone again. The snooping suggests that there’s a respect problem on your side, too. If that’s what you need to do to stay, it’s time to leave.

Meredith

READERS RESPOND:

These are all things you don’t ever need to be aware of, and frankly have no right to hear or know about. And now, they have only fed into your insecurities that were clearly there, which is why you snooped in the first place. Your railing against him being “disrespectful to your family’’ is just a smokescreen to justify the snooping due to YOUR issues. And there is no justification for that.

CRUCIFIEDZEOFF

Meredith says, “I’m sure he’ll have plenty of rationalizations for the sister comment. See if you can live with any of them.’’ I think HE should see if he can live with rationalizations about her invading his privacy and letting insecurity and a sense of entitlement become a part of their relationship.

BKLYNMOM

My best friend and I always talk about the [expletive] that would go down if our private conversations ever somehow got out. Sometimes you’ve got to say the horrible things in your brain (that you might not even mean) to SOMEONE who won’t hold it against you. It’s really really not fair to snoop on.ELLLEEM

More than just the snooping, though, it seems like something is off, here. I don’t think what he said in the texts is necessarily that bad, when you consider that it was made in private (and guys will make bad jokes or say other things to save face). I think the texts struck a nerve with you because you do feel like you are always the bad guy when you have these arguments. You do feel like he doesn’t respect you.

TWO-SHEDS

Don’t go looking for what you don’t want to find.NOMORESCREENNAMES

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein@globe.com.