Q.I was with my significant other on and off for six years. We had broken up because we were long-distance, but we rekindled and made it work. I found a better job close to her and we moved in together more then nine months ago. Things were pretty smooth — just the little adjustments of living together. We were “in love,’’ best friends, had gone on vacations together, and our families were supportive. We even regularly brought up marriage and kids. Truthfully, we weren’t 100 percent perfect, but who is? I’d say the major problem was that even though I could stay calm under stress, if she did something that put me past a tipping point, I would lash out and be too blunt. That was something I was conscious of and made a great effort to fix.

Not long ago, her father died in a tragic way, and we moved back to our hometown. It has been tremendously hard on her family, and she inherited most of the burden of handling the situation. I was right there with her to make sure the funeral, paperwork, money issues, meetings, etc. were handled. When things started to quiet down, I started to notice questionable things, such as strange behavior or her deleting texts, so I confronted her. It ended up being that she was spending quality time with my cousin — without telling me. When I found out, I was very angry. Apparently, this lashing out “pushed her over the edge’’ with me. However, I felt truly disrespected by both of them.

Fast forward a month after the death and she has broken up with me, is seeing my cousin, and we blocked each other on all social media. Her personal life has stayed a secret, partly because I do not want my parents to be hurt. Because of the tragedy, I do still want to be present with the rest of her family, but it’s difficult. I am deeply hurt and do not understand how this happened. I understand that death can really change someone’s outlook on life and love, but it baffles me that she was able to fall for him three weeks after her father passed. From what I know, they have even talked about having a future together. Could you shed light on this?

Confused Guy

A.A common piece of advice for people coping with grief is to avoid making big decisions during the first year after the loss.

That said, some people do benefit from changing their lives after a death. It tends to be for the best when they move ahead with a choice they wanted to make anyway.

I can’t tell you whether your ex-girlfriend’s decision was a long time coming, but I will say that you shouldn’t be keeping it a secret. I don’t advise running around and telling everyone that she dropped you for your cousin, but you don’t have to lie to your parents. Tell them what happened and let them be there for you.

The other good thing about letting people know you’re no longer together is that it makes it easier for you to set boundaries with her family. They should be more understanding about you taking space. I know you want to be there for them, but if this breakup is real, you have to take care of yourself, too.

Meredith

READERS RESPOND:

Sometimes people make life-changing decisions after a death. It also sounds like your relationship was difficult and a struggle. It’s very possible your relationship would have ended anyway, cousin or no cousin, funeral or no funeral. The best you can do is learn from what happened, learn what works for you in a relationship, and what doesn’t. And maybe also work on that “lashing out’’ thing. WIZEN

Have to disagree on working on the lashing out thing, at least from what we know from this letter. The letter writer wasn’t wrong for confronting her when he discovered she was deleting texts and being secretive about spending time with his cousin.

MFORDINNER

I’m not buying a good deal of this story. You choose your words extremely carefully, and are very conscious of painting a particular, favorable picture, the way you want us to see it. I question your perspective and suspect your relationship was way more combative (and probably controlling) than you describe. Keeping the breakup a secret is not to spare anyone else’s feelings, but a way to avoid admitting you got dumped. Were we to hear her side of the story, I think we would learn that she was getting tired of you and your issues long before the cousin thing. There’s nothing you can do about the relationship, but this might be a good time for you to take an honest look at yourself and the way you handle things. Pain is often the catalyst we need to improve ourselves.

SEENITTOO

She was comfortable with you but not in love. Be angry, be sad, then move on.

-ROADRUNNER-

This whole family situation sounds incredibly awkward (to put it mildly), with you still wanting to be present with her family, her dating another member of your family, and you not telling your parents. If I were you, I’d move to put this behind me and extract myself from the awkwardness as much as possible. This means leveling with your parents and breaking up with her family in addition to breaking up with her. After that, you move on. Not easy, but necessary.

TWO-SHEDS

Does she have a nice cousin for you?

THE THIN MAN

Um, social media being what it is, her personal life is not likely a secret. It’s a secret to you, but everybody else already knows.

YOURDINNER

ISINTHEDOGG

Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to meredith.goldstein @globe.com.