“I want to stop overthinking everything. I’m so anxious all the time. It’s exhausting.” Many of my clients begin with this goal. They have hit a point where the cost of overthinking far outweighs any benefit, and they are ready to change. I can relate. Years ago, I was totally depleted from my brain running frantic laps around a cluster of unhelpful thoughts and questions.

After six years as a coach, I’ve identified the best reminder to start with when we are overthinking: Our thoughts are not facts — they’re stories our brain tells us to keep us safe. They feel oh-so-real and urgent, but they’re often just our mind’s way of preparing for dangers that may never come.

Human brains produce tens of thousands of thoughts a day, but most of these are guesses or interpretations. Our brains want to protect us, so they tend to focus on the negative in order to prevent future pain. Our thoughts can be convincing and loud, insisting that we analyze the past or overprepare for the future, especially when we are going through times of stress.

It makes sense that predicting the worst case scenario was helpful back when we lived in caves and needed to evade predators to stay alive. Unfortunately, this same biological tendency to focus on terrifying “what if’s” is entirely unhelpful in modern day life. For many of us, the brain’s negativity bias is more paralyzing than functional.

I remember preparing for a tough conversation with a loved one. I was running endless scenarios — rehearsing what I’d say if she got defensive, planning my retreat if she shut down, scripting responses to arguments that hadn’t even happened.. As I imagined all the worst possibilities, I felt anxious, irritable, and defensive. My heart started racing, and I had a sinking feeling in my chest and stomach. I was in my well-worn ruts of overthinking. (Sidenote: When we are able to be mindfully aware of ourselves overthinking — even just labeling it “overthinking” — we have more capacity to do something differently in the moment.)

Once I realized what was happening, I was able to pause and start breaking myself out of the overthinking rut. My favorite first step is to clearly differentiate between the facts of the situation and my thoughts. I call it “Going to the Facts.”

I slowed myself down and started listing them: I’m having a conversation with this person in three days. I don’t know how it will go. Some past conversations have gone well, some have been rough. I really care about this person. This conversation is important to me, and I’m choosing to show up for it. I want to keep my heart open, but I will take care of myself if needed.

As I finished, the intensity of my emotions lightened, my brain calmed down a little. More importantly, I shifted from being in a defensive mode and getting prepared for all future threats, to landing in a more proactive mode — deciding what I wanted to do and why.

A happy side effect of “Going to the Facts” can be starting to let go of what’s not in our control, and focusing on what is. I could not control what she was going to say or how she would respond to me. However, I could control what I focused on, how I wanted to show up in the conversation, and how I responded to my own emotions. Rather than ruminating on other people’s potential reactions or emotions, we can stay anchored in what matters to us, how we want to show up, what our boundaries are, and ways to stay connected to ourselves in hard moments.

My clients report this as being one of the most useful first steps to shorten the duration and decrease the intensity of overthinking and the ickiness that comes with it. In combination with other practices, they have been able to reclaim the energy, space, and emotional bandwidth that overthinking was consuming.

Notice where your mind goes when you’re overthinking — is it replaying past conversations on repeat? Planning for every possible future scenario? Next time you catch yourself there, try this: List three facts about your situation. Then notice what shifts when you separate what’s real from the interpretations and guesses your brain makes trying to protect you.

I aim to provide compassionate and practical guidance. Submit below if you’d like my perspective on your question or circumstance in a future column.

Tiffany Skidmore is a mental health and life coach who specializes in life transitions and anxiety. Email your questions and feedback to tiffanyskidmore.com">tiffany@tiffanyskidmore.com or submit them anonymously at tinyurl.com/thelifecoach. Visit tiffanyskidmore.com to learn more.