Dear Eric >> My husband and I have been married for 15 years. He has one daughter. He and her mother divorced when she was 8 and it was rancorous. Sadly, her mother died suddenly when she was 19, just before my husband and I started dating.

When we married, she refused to acknowledge it or attend the wedding/birthday party held later to celebrate the wedding and her father’s 50th birthday. I was completely ghosted apart from her cruel jibes such as posting on social media pictures of her past family to mark our first anniversary. When she was married, I attended but was treated as a pariah.

No amount of trying to talk about it got through to her. I decided it was best for me to stop trying to connect with her.

A few years go by, and she and her husband are having a baby. She suddenly appears for a visit and acts as if none of her ugly behavior had ever happened. I chose to embrace her and really put my all into it, but it has been a struggle.

As I’ve gotten to know her, I realize I don’t like her very much. She’s manipulative and selfish and opens up to me only when she wants something. I’ve been the sucker who has showered money and expensive items on her and her family over the years. Her father was recently very sick, and I spent months nursing him to health. She didn’t contact him much and never once checked in with me. This is a person who doesn’t like me either, just the perks. Realizing this, I’ve once again moved on emotionally. I feel liberated from this effort, but also guilty. Any advice?

— Dad’s Wife

Dear Wife >> There’s the relationship you’d like to have with her, the relationship she wants to have with you and the relationship you both currently have. None of those seem to be aligning. The guilt you’re feeling may stem from the belief that maybe if you did something differently or gave her more time or more patience, you’d get the relationship you want. That’s understandable but it’s not guaranteed.

It also doesn’t take into account the kind of relationship her actions indicate she wants.

One thing I’m not seeing here is a conversation about the harm done in the past. It’s OK to say, “I understand that you were grieving, but some things happened that weren’t right, and we should talk about them so we can move forward.”

But she and you have to be open to the vulnerability and the rebuilding that is required. It sounds like that’s just not where either of you are. Mostly what you’re being liberated from is your unmet expectation. Acknowledge the reality that the semi-distant relationship you have may be what’s best for both of you right now. You can remain open to the possibility of more but remember that more requires effort on both sides.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.