Dear Eric >> I have a dear friend that I have known for 12 years.

I have watched her grow into a beautiful, smart and talented young woman. Our views on relationships, politics and lifestyle (love of travel, no kids etc.) are in complete alignment.

I now realize that I am really in love with my best friend.

A few years ago, I did ask if she ever considered that our relationship could be something more than a friendship and was met with a “no.” I know people can change and so can their feelings, like mine have. The old saying “persistence pays off” ruminates in my mind.

Should I take that leap of faith and declare my love for her and risk losing the friendship we built, or should I accept the fact that, after 12 years, if she was interested in me something would have happened by now? Should I just read the writing on the wall and accept that we will just be friends and try to find someone else? My eternal optimism and hope keep me clinging to these feelings and I wonder if I am just setting myself up for heartbreak.

— Friend Zone

Dear Friend >> It’s really hard to have romantic feelings for someone who doesn’t reciprocate them. But, at the risk of sounding overly cheery, it’s a privilege to be close to someone whom you admire enough to love, platonically or romantically.

Part of that love needs to be having a respect for what she’s asking for and what she wants. Take her no for what it is. Movies and some relationship gurus suggest that people just don’t know themselves and they need a potential lovemate to show them the light. In reality, that’s not so true.

She knows herself, just as you know yourself. Moreover, would you really want to start a relationship with someone who didn’t know themselves? That feels unsafe.

I know this is hard, but it’s helpful to focus on your own agency here. The friend zone trope suggests that the lovelorn are trapped in the cold shadow of platonic feelings. But friendships, and love relationships, are two-way streets, not zones. You have a lot of love on your side of the street, but you’re also in control of what you bring into the middle of said street. Sometimes feelings are mismatched. That happens. But at other times love for a person you’ve known as long as you’ve known your friend, can reveal itself to be complex and multi-faceted. I encourage you to lean into that and value the special relationship you already have.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com