Dear Eric: I am the youngest of four and the only girl. I happen to be deaf (I speak and read lips). It’s always been a challenge communicating with the whole family. Often the conversation feels like watching a ping-pong game and I often miss snippets of conversations and jokes.

My oldest brother got married to a woman who has a teenage daughter. They have bonded with my youngest brother who has two teenage sons.

The two families travel together often. My youngest brother is the only one who invites me along, but it happens later in the planning process. I have a family too, with kids who are a little older than the teenagers.

I hear nothing from my oldest brother and his wife. This has been going on for a few years now and I feel excluded from my own family.

I’ve often felt like saying something, but not sure what the point is. It’s hard enough being the only girl and having a disability.

What do you think I should do?

— Left Out

Dear Left Out: Within a family, different pairs of siblings often have different dynamics. That’s normal. But from your letter, it’s clear that this dynamic between your brothers is bringing up old pain.

For that reason, it’s a good idea to talk to your younger brother about the relationship you’d like to have. Go into it using “I” statements and try to focus on solutions. It’s not your job to fix everything — or anything — but the conversation will be more productive if you go into it knowing what you’d like to be different.

For instance, if you’d like him to include you earlier in the planning process for vacations, you can ask for that.

If you’d like to take your two families on a trip together, you can ask for that, too.

What is your relationship like with the fourth sibling? Is that something on which to build?

As for the older brother, it may be helpful to think about what you’d like from that relationship first. Would you like to be in more regular contact? Have you reached out?

It may be that this isn’t a relationship that serves either one of you right now, which is OK. But by reframing it or accepting it for what it is, you may start to see the family differently.

The family isn’t your two brothers, with you on the outside. The family is all four of you (and your families).

Your two brothers’ time together is one aspect of your family’s larger dynamic, but you also have the power to cultivate the relationships within your family that nourish you.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.