Dear Eric >> I’m a late-50s, divorced educator. I’ve struggled throughout my entire adult life to figure out whether a partner is respectful. I’m currently in a five-month-old relationship with someone whose company I enjoy. The nagging problem is his anger. He has shoved me rather roughly and barked at me to move and then accused me of overreacting when I told him I had no interest in the relationship if he routinely acts like that.

Any time he’s stressed, he speaks in directives, such as, “Don’t put it there!” or “Go!” Yesterday, after being spoken to rudely by a TSA agent, he yelled an expletive at her across airport security.

Looking at incidents like these in isolation, it’s easy to conclude he is a rage-aholic, but the vast majority of the time we’re together he’s respectful and supportive.

My mom has been very emotionally dysregulated my whole life, so I have a strong distaste for being subjected to these sudden bursts of anger over seemingly insignificant incidents. My current partner (and most of my past partners) have reacted with anger if I point out that their sudden anger is jarring for me. I look around at the married couples I’m surrounded by and wonder if the quieter partner just accepts their mate’s quick bursts of verbal or even physical roughness as part of the package.

How do I broach the subject without triggering accusations and anger? I have gone to counseling and the advice has varied immensely, from telling me to consider what I do to trigger this in partners to suggesting my partner get counseling, which he will not do.

— Perplexed

Dear Perplexed >> The advice that framed this as a problem you trigger seems like trash to me. I hope that you’ll put it aside. Your partners are adults who, like other adults, are responsible for their own behavior and capable of receiving feedback. And you’ve been clear about what your boundaries are and what you need to feel safe. No one should be shoving you. This isn’t a problem with your personality or your reactions. This is a problem with them.

Growing up with a dysregulated mother may have taught you that love relationships always involve outbursts. Perhaps unknowingly, you’re oriented toward men who have this trait. And those men are oriented toward people like you. As with anything else, the person we can change is ourselves. I write this not because you’re broken — you’re not — but because you want something different. Consider Internal Family Systems Therapy, which you can read about in the book “You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For” by Richard Schwartz.

Lastly, please prioritize your health and safety. Your partner doesn’t respond to your boundaries positively, won’t go to counseling and lashes out at you when he’s unable to handle his own emotions. Even though other parts of the relationship work, I question whether he’s capable of being the partner you need right now.