Dear Eric >> One of my BFFs has high blood pressure and always seems to be catastrophizing about everything. I sent her an email which was meant to be compassionate and heartfelt and now she’s even catastrophizing my telling her all this. She feels I “crossed a line” with her and was too judgmental and she says she needs time to process what I told her. She’s a very active 78-year-old (and a therapist) and now I don’t know what to do.

In brief, I told her I was concerned about her mental health (the catastrophizing). For instance, she calls about urgent things that are not urgent, often having to do with the business that she sold and shouldn’t worry about anymore. It’s like it has new parents and she’s still helicoptering.

I told her, “look into the mental aspects of your stressing. Why do you do that? Why do you think you have to lose weight? Why do you think you’re gonna die if you hadn’t rescheduled the dental surgery? Why are you so stressed out about how big of a job it will be? We both know it will be but tying yourself up in knots about it isn’t a positive way to enter into any surgery.”

I closed with, “I hope you know where I’m coming from with all this. I want to delay being your executor for as long as we can. I love you.”

Your advice would be appreciated.

— Concerned BFF

Dear BFF >> Maybe this is how you and your best friend talk to each other, but, from my corner, this tough love is very tough. Like, extra well-done steak tough. I believe it’s almost always best to compliment in writing and critique in person. You can also compliment in person, of course, but it’s nice to have something to look back at. Conversely, because it’s hard to read tone in email or to interject, written criticism like this — even couched in love — can feel especially harsh. And it can haunt you. Things like the executor line, they’re hard to read.

So, give her the space she’s asking for. If and when she’s ready, tell her that you overshot the target by a lot and you want to fix things. She’s not catastrophizing this email. It hurt her and she’s allowed to express that. Telling a stressed person, “you’re too stressed” isn’t helpful. You may not be the person who’s able to help her out of this state of mind. But you can apologize if she’s open to it and support her as she tries to find solutions of her own.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.