“Does he not think I’ve thought of this? Does he not think I’ve tried? He must think I’m so dumb if I wouldn’t have considered these simple solutions already.” The spiral started the moment my partner offered his well-meaning advice about my friendship struggles.

In a moment like this, when I’ve shared something challenging and vulnerable with a loved one and they immediately tell me what I should do, I feel unheard, unseen, and unsupported. Here’s what’s fascinating: he was absolutely hearing me and genuinely trying to help. But, there’s a disconnect that happens, leaving one or both of us feeling frustrated. Does this sound familiar?

As we noticed this pattern, we decided to experiment with being explicit about whether we are “listening to understand” or “listening to fix.” When we have agreed on one mode or the other, we find that we are on the same page and more open to how the conversation goes. The person who is sharing the challenge gets to pick which mode of listening they prefer, or if they want both, which order.

Both modes of listening are valuable and neither one is wrong, so it has been interesting to notice which way of listening feels better for the person sharing in different situations. Making the distinction has been a game-changer for us. Let’s explore these two modes of listening.

Listening to understand. When we listen with a goal of understanding, we might lean into our curiosity and ask open ended questions that helps the sharer go deeper or clarify their experience like, “When she said that, how did you respond on the inside?” or “What do you wish had happened instead?”

We might reflect what we think we are understanding and then check in. “It sounds like having more balance in your conversations with this friend is important to you. Is that right or would you describe it differently?”

Let’s be clear, listening to understand is effortful and often counterintuitive. The urge to fix, advise, and problem-solve is sure to arise even when we are listening in this mode. When advice or fixes appear in our minds, we can notice them, label them “fixing,” and then see how we might find deeper connection or clarity to the other person’s experience instead. Sometimes, if I think I have the answer for the person, rather than advising them, I will turn it into a question for them, “What do you think the best answer is right now?”

For many, listening in this way feels strange, unfamiliar, and sometimes even uncomfortable. That’s normal! If you’re willing, give it a try and notice how the other person reacts to it. Do they engage or disengage? Do they respond positively to this different way or not? This can help be your guide rather than our human tendencies to stick with what’s familiar.

Listening to fix. Problem-solving is almost instinctual for many of us in response to someone talking about something challenging. This mode of listening (when requested specifically) can be really helpful! Other people can bring in useful perspective, ideas, and approaches to complex and difficult situations.

The ways we can make this mode of listening and responding most effective is by presenting ideas tentatively or with the caveat that they may have already tried it or that our idea might not apply. When we are able to present an idea or suggestion with a “take it or leave it, you know what’s best for you and this situation” vibe, people are more likely to be open to it.

My partner (bless him) has largely shifted his verbiage from “You need to/you should/you have to…” into language that doesn’t trigger my don’t-tell me-what-to-do-button. When he says, “Maybe you’ve already tried this, but what do you think about making a request to your friend specifically about balancing out your conversations more?” I’m able to stay calm, open, and interested in what he has to say.

In your next conversation with someone who is struggling, check in with yourself. Are you listening to understand or are you listening to fix?

I aim to provide compassionate and practical guidance. Submit below if you’d like my perspective on your question or circumstance in a future column.

Tiffany Skidmore is a mental health and life coach who specializes in life transitions and anxiety. Email your questions and feedback to tiffanyskidmore.com">tiffany@tiffanyskidmore.com or submit them anonymously at tinyurl.com/thelifecoach. Visit tiffanyskidmore.com to learn more.