Dear Eric >> My husband and I met three years ago and recently celebrated our second wedding anniversary.

My grown stepdaughter (27) seemed to like me during the first year after I moved into her dad’s house. But she soon changed from being a nice/fun/interesting person to being moody and filled with mean comments toward me.

Her dad was as unhappy as I was with this change, but he did warn me ahead of time that she had been on her best behavior, and it wouldn’t last. When she was 16, she didn’t speak to her mom for 18 months and has a history of being different.

After several issues arose from her visits, her dad spoke to her, but he didn’t make it clear that we were both affected by her moody and negative behavior.

She has declared that she no longer feels welcome to visit our home despite the fact that I have made it clear that she is.

I feel like I was thrown under the bus by her dad’s decision not to explain that her behavior bothered both of us.

I don’t understand why her dad won’t call her to let her know that it wasn’t just me who was affected by her moody behavior.

She has recently sought therapy and seems to be making better choices for herself, but she opted out of a conversation she asked to have with the three of us present. I love and care about her, but she is emotionally unavailable toward me.

Any ideas what I can say to her dad to get him to have an open discussion with her, so that she understands that this isn’t about me picking on her?

— Not the Wicked Stepmother

Dear Stepmother >> Not sure whether your husband was understating when he told you his daughter was on her best behavior or giving you an accurate forecast. But it sounds like this is an on-going, perhaps lifelong game of push-and-pull with her, one that he’s largely powerless against. So, consider that, from his perspective, it may not matter what he says to his daughter, specifically.

I understand the importance of clarity here — you’re trying to avoid a narrative that paints you as the antagonist. But, from your telling, your stepdaughter had made up her mind about you before your husband spoke to her. The mean comments and difficult visits indicate she’s already cast you as the villain, so I wonder how effective an open discussion would really be.

Instead, try talking to your husband about how you can both navigate this moodiness and antisocial behavior. How can you support him and how can he support you, and how can both of you, together, set boundaries for yourselves that are loving but protect your emotions? This is still relatively new territory for you, being two years into the marriage, so give yourself and the situation time, recognizing that most of this is not really about you or anything you did.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com