A friend recently told me that some of the most traumatic parts of losing her husband were the thoughtless things that people said to her in their attempt to offer condolences.

I get it. Feeling the need to comfort someone when they are grieving can be awkward. It can be difficult to know what to say or how to say it. Even I, who have professional training in this exact area, grapple sometimes with feeling confident about what to say or do for someone who is struggling with loss.

But the task of it is easier than we think. Because generally, the problem is that we do and say too much, rather than too little. We try too hard, and for that reason, we typically supersede the mark.

Starting off here with what we should avoid saying, never, ever say that the deceased is in a better place. For the grieving, that better place is here, by their side, not on an alternative ethereal plane about which we have as many different opinions as we do people walking the planet. Someone’s death is not a time to demonstrate your own articles of faith, however tempting it may be, however comforting you might think it would feel if it were you. Telling someone that they’re deceased loved one is now better off is offensive.

Another thing to avoid is telling someone how they should feel or implying their feelings are wrong by saying things like “cheer up,” or “time heals all,” or even worse, “life goes on.” Also, no one wants to hear that God loved them so much They decided to take them.

Definitely do not tell them that you know exactly how they feel. Because even if you’ve been through something similar, you do not know how they feel. You do not know the variations within their relationship, you do not know what’s at stake, and you cannot walk in these shoes.

Now that we’ve gotten through what not to say, among some of the things that would be helpful to say are that you are sorry for their loss. If you know them to be faithful or religious, you can tell them that they will be in your prayers. But be sure that you know their faith before doing so, because the alternative can be offensive.

One of the things that I do when sitting with the bereaved is I ask them to share stories about them. I let my curiosity fall on knowing as much about the deceased as possible, asking questions and learning about them. I don’t do this just so I can craft a good service, though that is part of what naturally happens. I ask them questions because it helps the grieving to talk about the person they’ve lost.

Speak the name of the person who died. Don’t avoid saying their name. Don’t avoid bringing them up. It’s OK if there are tears. Tears are good. Don’t seek to stem them in others. Don’t immediately shove a box of tissues at them when they begin to cry. If you push tissues on them too soon, it can be seen as an invitation to stop crying and make it seem as though you are uncomfortable with their emotions. If you are uncomfortable, get over it. Allow them their feelings. If the tears become more profound, or if their nose starts to run, then you may offer a tissue.

Check in on them at the holidays and birthdays, especially during the first year. Each of these milestones is a new can of emotional worms. When we lose someone, we have to reinvent ourselves at each of these moments. Long-standing traditions are upended, family ties often need to be reconfigured. And most people have forgotten the bereaved by these points, but that’s when reaching out is most important.

Invite them to lunch. Invite them out to do things. Gift them a series of classes that you could take together.

Let them know that they can call anytime and when they do, truly listen to them. Don’t try to fix it. Don’t try to make the grief go away. Don’t do all the talking. It is not our job to fix their grief, it’s only our job to sit with them.

Grief is best resolved when faced. And we are able to best face our grief in the company of others, even when we sometimes feel it’s better to just be alone.

Most of all, you have a power within you that goes so much farther than any words you could say or actions you might take: Love. Simply love them, right where they are. Accept them in their grief. Let your steady consistency be a tool of emotional nourishment that helps them through.

And a tray of homemade cookies usually helps, too.

Wil Darcangelo, M.Div, is an ordained Unitarian Universalist Minister at the First Church of Lancaster in Massachusetts. He is the host of a monthly radio show called Our Common Dharma based on his columns every 4th Monday at noon, and is also the weekly Tuesday morning community co-host, both on WPKZ. Email wildarcangelo@gmail.com. Follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram @wildarcangelo. His blog, Hopeful Thinking, can be found at www.hopefulthinkingworld.blogspot.com.