When a spouse and your BFF fall in love
It sounds like the storyline of a Lifetime movie, but affairs between a husband (or wife) and his or her spouse’s best friend really do happen. A lot.
I have gotten dozens of emails from readers sharing their stories and asking for advice. Here is one I received this past week: My husband has admitted he has feelings for another woman.
This woman happens to be my BFF. I have asked her if she has feelings for my husband as well but she has not been forthcoming.
What should I do? Icannot begin to imagine the pain this woman is feeling. Not only has she been betrayed by both her husband and a dear friend she thought she could trust, but the friend won’t even come clean.
To weigh in on this situation and to offer advice to otherswith a similar story, I reached out to Chicago-based relationship therapist Debra Alper. Alper, who has been in practice for 19 years, said that sadly, she has seen this scenario in too many of her clients.
“There are two categories of affairs: the anonymous affair, you meet someone at a bar or on a business trip, and it’s completely separate from your life,” said Alper, who holds a master’s degree in social work. “But the other kind of affair is more of an emotional, ongoing relationship with someone who is an integral part of your life and there are multi layers of ties binding you and all types of overlap.”
Alper said the reason these affairs happen is because there is an air of familiarity and the foundation of friendship.
“The perfect storm is created when someone isunhappy in their marriage and open to straying, and here’s this person who is a comfort, and the emotional bond can lead into a sexual bond,” said Alper.
What happens when the spouse of the cheater finds out? According to Alper, it wreaks havoc on so many levels.
“It’s a double betrayal, so it leaves you reeling,” she said. “All your private thoughts and feelings no longer feel safe for you. There is embarrassment, selfblame, shame, and a sense of being duped.
In other words, ‘How did I miss this?’ ”
How did I miss this? Alper said people often experience trauma denial, a selfprotective mechanism that prevents them from admitting to themselves there’s something going on.
“You know in your heart that something’s not right but the consequence of having it be true is so horrible that you form a cloak of denial over yourself,” she said. “It’s your mind’s way of protecting you from something you aren’t ready to face yet. To believe your inner voice validates the fact that your husband (or wife) is a lying cheat and that your best friend is a piece of crap. It’s easier to believe, ‘I’m crazy; I’m insecure.’”
According to Alper, people who find out their spouse is cheating go through many stages, which can include shock, sadness, and then anger.
Alper said every affair turns out differently.
Some cheaters want a divorce and want to marry the best friend. Others beg the spouse for forgiveness and want to try to work things out. She said she has seen many, many couples reconcile after cheating, but only if the cheating was with a stranger. In other words, in her practice, Alper said she has never seen a couple come back from an affair with a spouse’s best friend.
So, what do you do when your husband and your BFF fall in love? Here is Alper’s checklist: 1. Get yourself and your kids into therapy immediately. You need to shore up support for everyone. Do not wait.
2. Consider a fresh start. In the case where the spouse is leaving to be with the best friend, you might want to move to a new community.
3. Practice yoga, meditation and mindfulness. This allows your brain to shut off obsessive thoughts.
4. End things formally with the friend. All ties are over. There is no healing the friendship. Keep the conversation short.
5. Focus on other friendships. Spend time reconnecting with old friends and firming up the trust you have in other female friendships.
I can’t say I have personally experienced a spouse and a BFF cheating. But, I was cheated on in the past, and I have to say, it was brutally painful. Eventually, I learned to accept what happened.
I think when a person finds out their spouse is cheating, it seems like their life just fell apart, and honestly, it probably did. But that doesn’t mean life won’t ever be good again. It just takes time.
People often look back and think, “Wow, that was a really bad time, but life is really great now.” That’s the beauty of a gift we all have: the ability to love again, even after our heart has been broken.
Jackie Pilossoph is a freelance columnist for Chicago Tribune Media Group.
I have gotten dozens of emails from readers sharing their stories and asking for advice. Here is one I received this past week: My husband has admitted he has feelings for another woman.
This woman happens to be my BFF. I have asked her if she has feelings for my husband as well but she has not been forthcoming.
What should I do? Icannot begin to imagine the pain this woman is feeling. Not only has she been betrayed by both her husband and a dear friend she thought she could trust, but the friend won’t even come clean.
To weigh in on this situation and to offer advice to otherswith a similar story, I reached out to Chicago-based relationship therapist Debra Alper. Alper, who has been in practice for 19 years, said that sadly, she has seen this scenario in too many of her clients.
“There are two categories of affairs: the anonymous affair, you meet someone at a bar or on a business trip, and it’s completely separate from your life,” said Alper, who holds a master’s degree in social work. “But the other kind of affair is more of an emotional, ongoing relationship with someone who is an integral part of your life and there are multi layers of ties binding you and all types of overlap.”
Alper said the reason these affairs happen is because there is an air of familiarity and the foundation of friendship.
“The perfect storm is created when someone isunhappy in their marriage and open to straying, and here’s this person who is a comfort, and the emotional bond can lead into a sexual bond,” said Alper.
What happens when the spouse of the cheater finds out? According to Alper, it wreaks havoc on so many levels.
“It’s a double betrayal, so it leaves you reeling,” she said. “All your private thoughts and feelings no longer feel safe for you. There is embarrassment, selfblame, shame, and a sense of being duped.
In other words, ‘How did I miss this?’ ”
How did I miss this? Alper said people often experience trauma denial, a selfprotective mechanism that prevents them from admitting to themselves there’s something going on.
“You know in your heart that something’s not right but the consequence of having it be true is so horrible that you form a cloak of denial over yourself,” she said. “It’s your mind’s way of protecting you from something you aren’t ready to face yet. To believe your inner voice validates the fact that your husband (or wife) is a lying cheat and that your best friend is a piece of crap. It’s easier to believe, ‘I’m crazy; I’m insecure.’”
According to Alper, people who find out their spouse is cheating go through many stages, which can include shock, sadness, and then anger.
Alper said every affair turns out differently.
Some cheaters want a divorce and want to marry the best friend. Others beg the spouse for forgiveness and want to try to work things out. She said she has seen many, many couples reconcile after cheating, but only if the cheating was with a stranger. In other words, in her practice, Alper said she has never seen a couple come back from an affair with a spouse’s best friend.
So, what do you do when your husband and your BFF fall in love? Here is Alper’s checklist: 1. Get yourself and your kids into therapy immediately. You need to shore up support for everyone. Do not wait.
2. Consider a fresh start. In the case where the spouse is leaving to be with the best friend, you might want to move to a new community.
3. Practice yoga, meditation and mindfulness. This allows your brain to shut off obsessive thoughts.
4. End things formally with the friend. All ties are over. There is no healing the friendship. Keep the conversation short.
5. Focus on other friendships. Spend time reconnecting with old friends and firming up the trust you have in other female friendships.
I can’t say I have personally experienced a spouse and a BFF cheating. But, I was cheated on in the past, and I have to say, it was brutally painful. Eventually, I learned to accept what happened.
I think when a person finds out their spouse is cheating, it seems like their life just fell apart, and honestly, it probably did. But that doesn’t mean life won’t ever be good again. It just takes time.
People often look back and think, “Wow, that was a really bad time, but life is really great now.” That’s the beauty of a gift we all have: the ability to love again, even after our heart has been broken.
Jackie Pilossoph is a freelance columnist for Chicago Tribune Media Group.
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