Dear Eric >> I recently received a “Christmas wish list” from one of my husband’s adult children. This adult child is in their late 40s, married and living in a two-income household, both of whom are well paid. They have three children, one of whom is a grown adult college graduate with a thriving career of their own.

We are in our 70s and trying to scale back our budget, as we are struggling to be able to retire. Last year we opted to purchase gifts that were more in line with our budget and more personal than the extravagant gift cards we have given in the past. The wish list consisted of items over twice what we spent last year and what we can reasonably afford this year without going into debt.

I feel like this is a reaction to last year’s gifts and they are trying to steer us back to the more expensive gift cards. I also feel like this child thinks of us as a stream of cash flow and we are being shaken down. None of the other five kids in the family have done this.

The adult grandchild never sends anything for Christmas nor acknowledges birthdays. I don’t think we have ever gotten a thank you note from this grandchild. I am in charge of selecting gifts and this is stressing me out to no end, and I am beginning to feel resentful. Am I wrong here or am I missing something?

— Stressed Out for The Season

Dear Season >> While I didn’t get this in time to reply before the holidays, there’s an option you may want to explore for next year.

I want to assure you that you are not and were not in the wrong. The adult child may have thought they were being helpful by sending their wish list, but it’s coming across as more of a demand than a wish.

A gift isn’t an obligation, at least ideally. It’s an expression of love, a way of saying “I thought of you,” a tradition. But too often they feel like requirements and requirements lead to resentments.

The move toward retirement is a perfect opportunity to segue into a new gifting pattern. You can announce to the whole family that, because you’re saving for this life change, you’re switching it up at the holidays next year. Maybe it’s only cards, or handmade gifts. Maybe it’s one gift per family. Whatever feels right to you.

Telling your family about this change also gives them insight into ways that they can give meaningful gifts to you, be they fun experiences to do in retirement, supplies for hobbies you enjoy or even money to help you make the most of your days.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com