Contact blocked after sibling stands up to sister’s abusive son

Dear Eric: My sister is a little person and is currently unable to walk without a scooter or crutches. Last year, she slipped and hurt her hip. She’s waiting to have surgery in another state. I am her only sibling that lives in this state.

She gave up driving a few years ago. When she wants to go somewhere, she relies on me. She has a son in his 20s who is very verbally abusive to me and to her.

I feel guilty when I’m not helping her, but at the same time, I’m deeply hurt at the way she allows her son to be verbally abusive to me. He controls who she talks to and answers her texts with these abusive missives.

In response to me getting angry or standing up for myself, my sister blocked me. She will block me for about four or five days at a time.

My brother is the go-between, and he will communicate anything that I have to say to her for me.

She recently lost everything in a house fire her son started. I want to take her to the store to replace some things and bring her some clothes. But it’s very difficult when she won’t speak to me.

I’m drained by the crushing need of helping her amidst the constant verbal abuse of her son.

Am I wrong for still wanting to help her or should I just back off?

— Sister in the Middle

Dear Sister: You’re not wrong for wanting to help her. You care about your sister’s well-being, and she has asked for your assistance in the past. She’s also in a dangerous and difficult position with her son. So, your presence in her life can be an important resource, not just for help getting to the store, but as someone she can lean on to help her escape her son’s abuse.

Try to separate your sister from her son’s behavior.

Her blocking you isn’t an appropriate response, but she may not feel she has a lot of options at her disposal and is choosing to control what she can. Talk to your brother about the concerns you have about your sister’s son and then talk to your sister away from her son. She may feel trapped in her circumstance, particularly since the fire.

Assure her that help is available — from you, from her other siblings. And offer to help her create a safety plan, which can be implemented by those experiencing abuse, those preparing to escape an abusive relationship and those who have left.

You can find more information about safety plans at the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s site, TheHotline.org.

Dear Eric: I was raised that, when a friend suffered a loss, we would go to the house with food, flowers or just to offer our support. If the person was too far away, we’d call and send a card or flowers. Six months ago, my son died unexpectedly of a heart attack, and I’ve been dealing with unbearable grief while at the same time having to deal with his affairs mostly alone.

My two oldest friends of 25 years and one of 19 years are in the immediate area but didn’t call, visit or even send a card. I feel like maybe I never even mattered. It’s been six months, and they have avoided me this whole time.

My husband said maybe people aren’t like that anymore. You can imagine I don’t want anything to do with them ever again. But my question is why?

— Avoided Grief

Dear Avoided Grief: I’m so sorry. What your friends have done is heartbreaking. I’ve found that people sometimes — too often — get stuck not knowing what to say or do to help someone experiencing grief, and so they say nothing. We think that if we had the right words, we could make some of it better but if we say the wrong thing we risk making the unimaginable even worse. Neither is true.

A wise reader recently shared a reflection on their grief experience and noted that they didn’t remember any of the awkward things people said or did. The reader only remembered that people reached out.

Separating from these friendships is the right thing to do. But to get an answer to your question of why, you may want to tell them how their behavior affected you at some point.

I don’t think doing it now is going to help. It’s more important that you continue to process what you’re feeling with your husband and with others who can support you.

But there may come a day where you want to get some closure.

A letter or a phone call can serve as a way for you to say your piece and, if you want, hear what they have to say.

Send questions to eric@ askingeric.com.