Dear Eric >> My daughter’s friend from childhood, Lucy, now 24 years old, had lifelong issues with her physically and mentally abusive parents. Lucy always looked up to me as a successful single father, raising two daughters on my own, my other being 17 now and about to enter her senior year in high school.

Lucy moved in with her mother, but they had issues, and Lucy is no longer welcome to live with her. She came back to town, basically homeless, and asked if she could stay a while. I gave her permission as long as she helps with house chores and doesn’t smoke or vape, drink, or upset the household. She at first slept on our living room couch, got a part-time job, and I hoped this would be a short-term thing.

After one month, she moved into my oldest daughter’s former bedroom. Now this has developed into a negative situation. She got fired from the job. She does minimal chores, only if prodded, and has taken on a nasty disposition. She goes back and forth into my yard to smoke and vape and doesn’t acknowledge me except to argue that she’s not a slave and can’t wait to leave when she is able.

I know what has to be done, but I feel bad for her. My youngest daughter wants me to have a “conversation” to get her out. Any advice on how to do this without craziness?

— No Good Deed Dad

Dear Dad >> Sometimes good deeds need good parameters and, yes, consequences. You have a surrogate parental relationship with Lucy, but in fact you’re not her father and so you’re stuck in a kind of limbo when it comes to guidance and authority. That’s tough.

However, Lucy’s behavior is creating a disruptive environment for your younger daughter; that should take precedence. Your younger daughter doesn’t have a recourse here this is her home and she’s still a minor. So, I would take seriously her request that you have a conversation.

There are resources available to Lucy, from employment and housing assistance programs to job placement services to free or low-cost mental health counseling. When you talk to her make it clear that the rules she agreed to aren’t being followed (use concrete examples). The solution could be her leaving, or it could be a modification of the living arrangement with very clear boundaries and very clear consequences.

Lucy is an adult and can be responsible for her actions and the consequences thereof, even though the abuse she’s suffered is putting a roadblock in her path to success. There is a way out, but yet another contentious home environment is not helping her as much as you want it to.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com