Mom’s worrying about adult kids has a cost

Dear Amy: You often mention the need to exercise “compassionate detachment,” especially with adult children. I need advice on how to make that shift.

There is a saying that being a parent is like having your heart wander around the world without you. As a mom who is “only as happy as my most unhappy child,” I struggle with this all the time.

I have improved in terms of not offering unsolicited advice and comments, but I constantly worry about choices they make and feel their pain possibly even more acutely than they do (and often long after).

This is made worse by the fact that one of my adult children has significant mental health issues.

Do you have any techniques or books you would recommend that would help me develop compassionate detachment?

— Worried Mom

Dear Worried: Surely you remember the old Dunkin’ Donuts ad: “It’s time to make the doughnuts!”

Your adult children have a negative experience, and your mom-brain goes: “Ding! It’s time to make the doughnuts!” And you either fly into action or fall into worry mode (or both).

Developing loving and compassionate detachment is a process that involves a certain amount of realistic self-assessment. Some people are temperamentally more inclined toward worry than others.

It’s helpful to ask yourself what purpose your worrying serves. Does your fretting serve your children, ease their pain or soothe their wounds?

Does it make you (or them) stronger or more resilient? Does it make you a better person or parent?

No. Worrying diverts your mind and saps your strength. Worrying expresses a parent’s clutching desire to control the outcome, even when they know they can’t.

If you accept that other adults have the right to make choices — even bad ones — you will see that oftentimes the most powerful thing you can do is to abide with others through their challenges.

I often picture this witnessing process as holding hands and walking together — neither leading nor being led.

Letting go of your need to worry is liberating — even for the person you are worrying about.

And once you truly understand that you don’t have to make the doughnuts, you will experience your most tender relationships in a new way.

Teachers who will help you to work through these feelings and impulses are Pema Chodron, Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle. All have multiple books and video teachings available.

Dear Amy: Several years ago, longtime friends ghosted us. There was no argument that precipitated that occurrence.

I asked what was wrong and was told that she and her husband “have decided to travel alone because they are fuddie-duddies.”

We had vacationed together for years. They totally cut us off after this, and there has been no contact since.

A recent picture on social media showed the spouse looking quite frail, as if they were on chemo.

I don’t know whether to reach out, or whether to let things stand.

What do you think?

— Ghosted Friend

Dear Friend: If you are connected with this couple on social media, then you have a channel through which to communicate.

Yes, I think you should reach out. You do not need to refer to the frail appearance of this spouse, but you could message them to say, “I just saw a picture of ‘George’ on FB, and it made me think of you and remember some of our times together. I hope you are both doing OK, and encourage you to reach out if ever you would like to be in touch.”

Dear Amy: Regarding the letter from “Proud Daughter of a Veteran,” the National Cemetery Administration (part of Veterans Affairs) has a new process to assist veterans, families, caregivers and survivors in planning for burials with military honors. Here is the website: www.va.gov/burials-memorials/pre-need-eligibility.

— Ted Wong, Branch Chief-CX Communications Sustainment, Veterans Experience Office

Dear Ted: Thank you! To clarify — this site helps families to determine eligibility. It is not necessary to register in advance of a veteran’s passing.

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