Dear Eric >> We have a dilemma that may seem trivial but it’s driving us crazy. We’re fortunate enough to have a vacation house on a small island. Water is kind of expensive, relatively. While we love to host extended family, one older relative horns in to do the dishes by hand although we have an excellent dishwasher.

The hot water waste is incredible, it’s left running while the person talks and tells stories. And they’re slow to boot. We’ve gently tried to redirect them. “Don’t want to burden you.” But they respond it’s “something they can do to help out.” They dismiss that the machine is more efficient.

No other chores make sense due to physical limitations, and they decline just socializing. It burns to acquiesce to money cost and environmental cost to coddle a person’s self-esteem. We’re even trying to figure out a fictitious reason to build a boundary. Any ideas for changing an older person’s stubborn beliefs that accrue cost to us?

— Waste Water

Dear Water >> There’s a classic Shel Silverstein poem, “How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes” in which the instruction for avoiding the chore is simple: do such a bad job, they won’t let you do it anymore. Ironically, you’re facing an opposite problem: this person is doing a bad job and won’t stop.

This may not be a self-esteem issue or stubbornness. This could be a person genuinely thinking they’re helping, all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding. Try not to pin too much on age, also. Let the actions speak for themselves, not a generation.

Gentle suggestion didn’t work, so you’ll need to be firmer about your boundary. A sign on the sink reading “no dishwashing, please. It costs too much” might be clear enough. Or even a direct conversation stating that you appreciate your relative’s generosity, and you don’t want them to feel unwelcome, but you are not allowing anyone to hand wash dishes in the home anymore and you’ll feel disrespected if these wishes aren’t honored.

The relative might protest, or feel hurt, but it’s not unkind to advocate for what you want. Hospitality is as much about what one thinks should happen as it is about what the guest or host needs. You’re providing a welcome home and clear parameters. Your relative needs to stop running roughshod over you or risk being thought rude. No is a complete sentence, even in response to a supposedly nice gesture.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com