MINNESOTA VIKINGS

“Sam I Am, Not”

QB Darnold? Alas!

Purple struggles to pass

Get ready to drop misconceptions

Vikings won’t be OK

Unless brilliant JJ

Can manage 200 receptions

GREEN BAY PACKERS

“You Can’t Hurry Love”

The Pack thinks they see

The league’s next MVP

After Jordan closed year with a flurry

But now North is so tough

Green Bay’s path will be rough

Their bravado soon turning to worry

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

“They Call Me MISTER Swift!”

Taylor’s big beau

A perennial all-pro

Has been silent on marriage forecasting

But no doubt, his big thrill

Banking one hundred mill

By doing some half-assed podcasting

NEW YORK JETS

“Immunity on the Bounty”

Jets’ bragging grows bolder

As Rodgers gets older

They’re planning on Super Bowl action

T’will hardly be shocking

If New York’s lame blocking

Means QB will end up in traction

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

“Killed Bill”

With Belichick thrown overboard

New England’s collapse will be quick

The Patriots’ only reward

A guaranteed No. 1 pick

ATLANTA FALCONS

“Captain Kirk”

To Georgia, here comes Mr. Cousins

Who has Dirty Birds fans a-buzzin’‘

Cause despite past derision

In soft South division

They could rack up wins by the dozen

CHICAGO BEARS

“Where there’s a Williams, There’s a Way?”

They’re very thin-skinned

In the City of Wind

Where all seasons bring deep disappointment

Getting drunk on the hype

All Bears dreams, mostly pipe

We can clearly see flies in the ointment

HOUSTON TEXANS

“Can You Diggs It?”

Remember the Vikes’ malcontent?

He’s whined his way off of the Bills

It won’t take him too long to vent

When new mates provide all of the thrills

DETROIT LIONS

“The Gambler”

On the cusp of their goal

Lions’ first Super Bowl

Their colorful coach pulled a blooper

With Campbell making calls

Detroit again falls

Into usual wintertime stupor

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

“Santa Clara or Bust”

The Niners have championship feel

While their old San Fran home is a pity

The franchise’s most brilliant deal?

Moving 45 miles from city

BUFFALO BILLS

“Sean of the Dead”

Every season, the Bills face backlash

For their usual postseason crash

Once they lag in division

They will make wise decision:

Performing a coach’s excision

DALLAS COWBOYS

“Operator Error”

This won’t be the last one for Jerry

Despite Jones’ faux pas ever clearer

True Pokes fans will never be merry

‘Til owner is in rear-view mirror

MIAMI DOLPHINS

“Tale of Tua City”

Despite all the critical dissing

This quarterback’s breaking the bank

But with all Fins’ defensive stars missing

Miami continues to tank

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

“Goal to Go?”

Hurts plunging up middle, they say

Is football’s most maddening play

Without Kelce, that tush

Will be harder to push

Instead, give to Barkley? They may

CAROLINA PANTHERS

“Last and Last Again”

All could be finer

In poor Carolina

The NFL’s worst two years straight

Cats won’t have much to cheer

Seeing Young on his rear

‘Nother high pick is their fate

CINCINNATI BENGALS

“Cheap is as Cheap Does”

From Burrow to Higgins to Chase

The tiger-striped roster is nifty

But they’ll never win Super Bowl race

When all they lead league in is “thrifty”

WASHINGTON COMMANDERS

“The Thin Man”

The Heisman dude hits the ground running

HIs quarterback talents are stunning

But Daniels won’t be great

If injury’s his fate

Since he weighs about one thirty eight

PITTSBURGH STEELERS

“Danger, Russ”

It’s kind of a pity

In the old Steel City

That Wilson has washed up ashore

But with Fields on bench

If there’s offensive stench

In three weeks they’ll show Russell the door

BALTIMORE RAVENS

“King Henry’s New Court”

So often, the QB star Jackson

Has hogged Baltimore’s goal-line action

But this year they’ll be quick

Just hand ball to Derrick

It could be their Super Bowl schtick

DENVER BRONCOS

“Payton’s Place”

Coach used one of vital draft picks

To settle on passer named Nix

While they’re still mile high

Denver’s horses can’t fly

Still a few years away from a fix

NEW YORK GIANTS

“The Nabers Hood”

Big Blue pinned draft hopes on Malik

HIs LSU talents unique

But the air, filled with moans

As the fans destroy Jones

Make receiver an underused Freak

DIVISIONAL RACES

NFC North

Lions (12-5), Packers (10-7), Bears (10-7), Vikings (6-11)

NFC East

Eagles (12-5), Cowboys (10-7), Commanders (8-9), Giants (3-14)

NFC South

Falcons (8-9), Saints (8-9), Buccaneers (7-10), Panthers (6-11)

NFC West

49ers (12-5), Rams (10-7), Seahawks (9-8), Cardinals (7-10)

AFC East

Dolphins (11-6), Bills (10-7), Jets (9-8), Patriots (2-15)

AFC North

Ravens (14-3), Bengals (13-4), Steelers (7-10), Browns (4-13)

AFC South

Texans (10-7) , Colts (8-9), Jaguars (8-9), Titans (7-10)

AFC West

Chiefs (13-4), Broncos (6-11), Chargers (6-11), Raiders (6-11)

PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS

NFC wild card

49ers over Rams, Lions over Packers, Bears over Falcons

AFC wild card

Chiefs over Jets, Dolphins over Bills, Bengals over Texans

NFC divisional

Eagles over Bears, Lions over 49ers

AFC divisional

Ravens over Bengals, Chiefs over Dolphins

NFC Championship

Lions over Eagles

AFC Championship

Ravens over Chiefs

Super Bowl LIX

Ravens over Lions

COMING NEXT WEEK

The Loop begins our annual drive for prognostication perfection with the Week 1 Fantasy Football column on Thursday and the Week 1 NFL picks on Sunday.

You can hear Kevin Cusick on Wednesdays on Bob Sansevere’s “BS Show” podcast on iTunes. You can follow Kevin on Twitter — @theloopnow. He can be reached at kcusick@pioneerpress.com.