Some years back, it was suggested to me that I might try some meditation to relax. In those days, I was working at nightclubs, often getting off of work at 3 a.m. It was difficult to come down after that because “last call” was always the busiest part of the night. It would be go, go, go all night and then at the end it was really GO!

And then it would all stop. 2 a.m. and it was all over. After cleaning up and counting money, it’s 3 a.m. and you’re wide awake. My grandmother used to say, “Nothing good happens after midnight,” and she was right. Now just imagine what happens after 3 a.m.

I had already started taking martial arts for both the physical and mental clarity, not to mention the practicality, so meditation seemed like a natural extension. I further decided that having a quiet, peaceful place to meditate was probably a good idea. And having recently purchased my first house, I decided upon a koi pond.

My friend and I spent an afternoon installing a liner, pump, little waterfall, some lighting, a few plants and, voila, a peaceful paradise right there in the corner of my tiny little backyard. Nirvana was at hand.

It was great for a few weeks. Then I got the brilliant idea that the only thing my koi pond didn’t have was koi. If I really wanted to bring my centering to fruition, I was going to need some fish.

I stocked my little pond with $200 dollars worth of koi, which sounds like a lot, but in reality, was only two of them. And it was wonderful! That night and every night for about two weeks, I practiced my practice. I really felt that I was getting somewhere.

“What are all those gold specks in the backyard?” asked my wife a few weeks later.

It turns out that humans aren’t the only things attracted to brightly colored swimming objects — so are raccoons. And what they do to them can only be described as horrendous.

So, after a night of tranquility, I spent several days picking up little pieces of koi scattered all over my backyard. I replanted the plants, fixed the waterfall and read up on how to keep the raccoons at bay. This enlightenment thing wasn’t going to be easy.

A “scarecrow” sprinkler system was in order: a motion-activated, loudly clacking, old-school lawn sprinkler that only worked when the light beam was activated. And then I bought more koi. Om indeed.

The first night, I heard the clacker go off at around 5 a.m. I rested easy knowing my work was done. Nothing is more relaxing than a good night’s sleep.Over the next couple of weeks, the clacker went off and on more frequently, one night running pretty continuously until I was forced to get out of bed and see what was going on.

I opened the back door, and a family of raccoons was in my pond. The mother was holding one of my prized koi in her mouth. It turns out raccoons are pretty adaptable. So, with new koi and a new plan, every time my clacker went off, I raced outside to scare off the raccoons.

It also turns out that raccoons don’t frighten very easily. At first my presence simply scared them off, but that didn’t last long.

It was my neighbor who later suggested getting an electric fence for the pond. All that racket in the backyard wasn’t so restful for them either.

So, I set up the fence and then thought to myself, “I love animals, maybe I should test this out on myself?” — a thought that came and went pretty quickly, at least until my neighbor came out and asked me how it was going. Touching the two wires together while talking to him was one of the most illuminating experiences I have ever had and not one I ever care to replicate.

The fence solved the racoon problem once and for all. But not long after, my wife called me to the back window to see a “big, beautiful bird.” It was an egret, and it stepped right over my electric fence and then proceeded to eat all my koi.

Leaving me with these thoughts:

• “The Legend of the Koi Dragon” is a story about a carp that keeps trying to get past the waterfall, and when it finally does, it becomes a dragon.

• A 12-volt shock is not like a 110-volt shock. It’s not a quick jolt; it’s more of a jaw-clenching, fist-clenching grind.

• “After the ecstasy, the laundry” is the wonderful book on meditation by Jack Kornfield.

• It’s amazing what a picture of a koi pond hanging in your living room can do for your tranquility. And your wife’s. And your neighbor’s. And his wife’s too.

Jeff Burkhart is the author of “Twenty Years Behind Bars: The Spirited Adventures of a Real Bartender, Vol. I and II,” the host of the Barfly Podcast on iTunes (as seen in the NY Times) and an award-winning bartender at a local restaurant. Follow him at jeffburkhart.net and contact him at jeffbarflyIJ@outlook.com