Dear Eric >> My husband and I have worked hard to create consistent communication in our relationship that has lasted 10 years. We have both struggled to get to a good place, which we thought we had achieved.

Then a month ago, my son was home from college. My husband (his stepdad), my son and I were watching TV. My son was sitting next to me. I started rubbing his head like when he was little while we were all sitting there. This lasted for about an hour.

The next day, my husband was very upset and “weirded out” by my behavior. He said it was infantilizing. I agreed and said I wouldn’t do it again. However, he is so disturbed by the behavior that he is not able to touch me. We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms since. He suggested that we see a counselor.

I am struggling to see my behavior as harmful or disturbing. I think he needs me to see my behavior the same way as he does. I think he sees me as taking advantage of my son in some way. I don’t see how a counselor can help, and I am afraid that this experience will end us.

Any thoughts you can offer are helpful. I’ve tried my best to be as objective and fair as possible in presenting this problem to you without sharing a decade of context. I hope you have enough information. This specific issue has not come up before.

— Marriage Advice

Dear Marriage >> There’s something going on with your husband that doesn’t have anything to do with you. I’m not going to hazard a guess as to what it is, but talking with him about what happened in counseling could shed some light and, hopefully, get him to a place where he can deal with it individually.

His response was extreme and, seemingly, unnecessary. From what you wrote, you and your son have an affectionate relationship, he gave you consent to touch him, and the way you touched him was appropriate and safe. So, the issue isn’t your behavior. Continuing to have conversations about it at home with your husband isn’t likely to get you anywhere if he can’t see that. But a neutral third party may be able to help you both conduct a conversation with guardrails and steer him into a healthier place.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com