Dear Eric >> One of my best friends is a woman I introduced to my boyfriend’s brother. They married last October after knowing each other for about six months. My friend often confides in me about what’s happening in the marriage. She is sensitive about her husband’s relationship with his ex-wife and told him that he should only communicate with the ex-wife about their daughter.

He recently had a medical emergency and had to let the ex-wife know he’d be late in picking up the daughter (they have shared custody). He texted the ex-wife without showing my friend the message, and my friend said, “his phone blew up.”

He said he was in urgent care as a result of having a centipede bite, and the ex-wife became concerned and asked questions. My friend says he could have simply said he’d be late, and she asked me if I thought he was undermining her by talking about himself and not the daughter. I said no, and she looked surprised and hurt. I can’t help but feel my friend is trying to control her husband’s behavior to an unnatural degree, but unless she asks what I think I’m not going to say this. What would you advise in this situation?

— Urgent Message

Dear Message >> It seems only natural that someone, even an ex, would have follow-up questions and concerns about a person’s trip to urgent care. And it makes sense that your boyfriend’s brother would give context for his lateness, if for no other reason than it keeps his ex from thinking he’s just being a flake. These are reasonable responses.

Your friend may be feeling insecure about the level of contact these two people have because her relationship is still new. But that’s something she needs to work on within herself first and then with her new husband. It’s overly controlling to put restrictions on texts with the ex-wife, especially if she’s going to be this precise about what constitutes a text about the daughter and what isn’t. This is going to exhaust her and test her marriage.

As a friend, you may want to let this particular instance pass without further comment, but it will be helpful to gently guide her to a healthier way of thinking about her relationship in the future. Because her husband seemingly has a healthy relationship with his ex-wife, they’ll presumably be communicating for the rest of their lives, even if only about the daughter. It’s best for your friend to adjust her expectations and find ways to be secure in the marriage she’s building.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com