Dear Eric >> Several years ago, my husband and I befriended a young man struggling in the arts. We gave him use of our guest house, regularly filled the fridge, paid for every restaurant meal, listened to his problems and provided whatever help we could.

Recently, our friend “Bob” has hit the big time. He’s gotten great work, won awards and become relatively famous. We’re so happy for him and remain close. He still uses the guest house when he’s in town. In our success fantasies for him, we never expected him to thank us from the awards stage or invite us to meet his new, famous friends. But the dynamics of our relationship have not changed at all. He still has never picked up a check or even offered to pay his share. If he needs something in the guest house, he asks us to buy it on our next grocery trip.

This is annoying me more and more. But my husband is just grateful Bob hasn’t forgotten us. He thinks I’m being petty for holding onto my annoyance and that any mention of this will only succeed in driving our now-accomplished friend away.

We’re lucky enough to be able to afford this. But that’s not my point. Is there anything I can do to change Bob’s attitude? Or to change my own need to feel appreciated?

— Fame Adjacent

Dear Fame >> I’m with you on this. It burns my biscuit that Bob hasn’t found ways to show his gratitude, And it’s especially annoying that he’s still sending you grocery lists. It’s one thing to host someone at your guest house; it’s another to be thought of as a free bed and breakfast.

Now, Bob may be working under the impression that this is just how your friendship works. He may see it less as charity than as the give-and-take of this particular relationship. But it’s hard to square a give-and-take when it’s all take and no give.

Try smaller adjustments, like suggesting that you split the check next time you’re out or declining to pick up the groceries. With the latter, you might even want to ask about it. “I’ve noticed you often ask us to pick up items you need when you’re staying with us. Is there a reason for that?”

You’ll also want to ask yourself if this is just who Bob is. That doesn’t make it fair, but it may help you to recontextualize it so that it’s less annoying.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.