Dear Eric >> My husband and I have been married for more than 30 years and enjoy each other’s company. As many couples, after many years there are certain things that we do that get on each other’s nerves.

He has always been a neat and organized person, and I have always been a bit messy. My closet is usually messy, and I forget to put things in their place, so he usually reminds me. I am autistic (functional), have ADD and, at this point of my life, menopause. This is not an excuse but a reason why things are difficult for me to remember.

Lately, his attitude when reminding me or helping me has been just plain mean. He talks to me as if I’m a child, scolding me and making me feel terrible.

At first, I cried about it and really tried my best to change and remember things but now when he confronts me, I get angry. I tell him I don’t appreciate being treated as a child which, in turn, makes him angry. After a few hours, we get over it but a few days later it happens again. Is it me? Is it him?

— Tired of Mess Stress

Dear Tired >> Well, it’s not you; I’ll tell you that. Your husband may wish that you were neater or that you remembered the things he wants you to, but right now that’s his problem and not yours. Here’s why: he’s not accepting you for who you are nor is he tempering his response enough to communicate clearly.

Being mean doesn’t inspire anyone to change. He could be coming to you with solutions or at least with the attitude that you’re both trying your best.

As hard as I’ve been on him, let’s take a step back and assume that he’s also trying his best. Perhaps there are aspects of your shared life that started off as little annoyances for him and now have boiled over into resentments.

He may feel powerless over this resentment, but he’s not. That’s something that he can work on.

He may have gotten it in his head that you’re doing these things on purpose or that you could snap your fingers and change. The sooner he accepts reality, the easier it will be for both of you to find solutions that meet both of your needs.

I highly recommend the book “Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD Are So Ashamed and What We Can Do to Help.” Written by married couple Roxanne Emery and Richard Pink, one of whom has ADHD, it offers resources for both people who are neurodivergent and their partners, as well as models for how to have more productive conversations.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com