Dear Eric >> I’ve always had a close relationship with my mom and, for much of my adult life, I didn’t really have a life of my own away from her. In the last few years, I entered into my first serious relationship. We moved in together and had an on-again-off-again thing for a while and are now living separately.

We are now considering moving back in together to save money because times are tough for both of us. I understand it might seem a strange arrangement, but my ex is still my best friend in the world and, to be perfectly honest, I feel so much more connected to him than to my mom.

She was very much against this idea and became very upset when I told her. I just want her to understand that I’m an adult and can make my own decisions. Lately, every time I visit her and talk with her, I’m left feeling emotionally and mentally drained afterward.

I love my mom and want to have a relationship with her but now I feel like I have to set boundaries and limit our time together. I don’t want to feel like I have to live a double life because she’s not the biggest fan of my ex due to our history. I guess I feel like I’m being emotionally manipulated by her and now I feel like I have to protect myself.

— Independent Daughter

Dear Daughter >> It sounds like your mom is having a rough time handling the transition from having a daughter whose life revolved around her, to having a daughter who makes her own choices, even ones that your mom doesn’t agree with. That’s totally understandable. It takes time to realign a relationship, especially a parent-and-child relationship that’s especially close.

If you can, it would be worth your time talking to a therapist about the specific dynamics of this relationship, to better understand the patterns of behavior or scripts that you and your mom are getting stuck in.

It’s concerning that you start off by writing that you’re really close and end by writing that you feel manipulated. Talking through what’s going on inside may help you see the relationship more clearly. It may not be healthy. A neutral party can give you resources for changing what doesn’t work in the relationship. Or, you two may simply be getting stuck in a growing pain.

Additionally, talk to your mom openly about the tension you’re feeling in the relationship. Don’t make it about your ex or your decision. It’ll be too easy to go back to having the same fight. Instead, try something like “I want to get to the bottom of the tension we’re having.” And then speak from the “I” perspective about things you’re noticing and feeling, and how you’d like things to be moving forward.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com