Please send help! I think I fell asleep in the middle of the announcement of Marco Rubio as secretary of state, because I dreamed Donald Trump continued picking his Cabinet and every announcement went like this:

Breaking! Donald Trump has picked a ventriloquist’s cursed doll (previously investigated for sex trafficking) as attorney general! He’ll also be in charge of the FBI!

Huge news! An Oil Well With A Little Twirling Mustache is Trump’s top pick to be in charge of the Environmental Protection Agency! All the trees have started to weep and begun their slow procession to the west, as have the guardian Ents and the elves who reside within their leafy cloisters. Seems worrisome to me but Team Trump considers it a win!

WHOA! The phrase “we are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be” written over and over on a chalkboard is now going to be our ambassador to the United Nations! That doesn’t sound great until you hear that also in contention were the Artificially High-Pitched Baby Voice of A Megachurch Pastor’s Wife, Lord of The Flies But Only The Parts Where Piggy Gets Hurt and A Box Labeled: FREE MEASLES! TAKE ONE. Still not ideal, though!

BREAKING! A semi-automatic rifle who HATES women will be replacing the Education Department entirely. Better luck next time, schoolchildren!

I Don’t Know has stopped playing third base in an Abbott and Costello sketch and is now going to be the director of national intelligence.

A Boot Stepping On A Human Face is now going to be in charge of the Department of Homeland Security! This is actually a relief; we thought it would be Richard Grenell. (Feminists, delight: the boot is a ladies’ boot!)

The Artificial Intelligence Bot Your Boss Has Decided Will Do Your Job Better Than You Because He Fundamentally Doesn’t Understand What You Do is the current front-runner to be our new secretary of commerce! But that depends on whether Elon Musk likes him or not. That Sinking Feeling Whenever You See A Cybertruck In The Wild is in contention, too, as is The Grim Sense of Resignation To The Fact That You’re Going To Have To Know And Care About What Elon Musk Thinks For The Rest of Your Life.

Whoa! All 16 volumes of the “Left Behind” series are going to be our new ambassador to Israel.

A Name You Hadn’t Heard In Four Years That Makes Your Whole Body Recoil is going to be the No. 1 Policy Adviser For Vengeance! Great! You’ll hear this name every day now!

Hmm! A VILE WIND BEARING PESTILENCE AND LAMENTATIONS will likely be in charge of the Department of Health and Human Services! This is actually a huge relief because Trump was considering the words “your body, my choice” for the position until Monday, but their interview went badly. Don’t get too complacent though: The box of free measles and a committee composed of all RFK Jr.’s weird roadkill are still in the running.

THRILLING! A Haven For Hand Germs Who Hosts A Show On Fox News And Is An Active Supporter Of War Criminals will be in charge of the Defense Department.

Wait, what? Am I awake? The secretary of defense pick actually is Pete Hegseth, who is opposed to women in combat roles, doesn’t wash his hands and lobbied hard for the pardon of Eddie Gallagher? “Don’t worry! I’m sure he was joking about the hand-washing thing!” No, that is not the part that I was upset about. Let’s go back to the part where he’s been working tirelessly to get pardons for a man his fellow soldiers described as “freaking evil” and “perfectly OK with killing anybody that was moving”? That’s not disqualifying?

No, no, this is all wrong. I am still in the dream. I must have eaten a tainted anchovy before bed. I know I have not been sleeping well since the election, and this must be more of that. See? I think I just saw the announcement of Matt Gaetz as attorney general.

No, thank you. I refuse to be awake. I am not getting out of bed.