Readers, a similar question was submitted so I am slightly updating a prior column. Happy Memorial Day and enjoy all that we have to be thankful for!

Q We are in a dilemma. My mom moved in with my brother and his wife about 12 years ago. She was there for almost nine years and during that time, mom changed her will to leave more to my brother than to me because she was thankful for the care they were giving her. I was fine with this because I was happy she was being well taken care of in my brother’s home. Two years ago, my brother moved mom to a care facility because he said she needed more care than they were able to provide and she would be “better off” in a facility. So, now mom is in a facility, she is not very happy and her will still leaves more to my brother than to me! I think this is completely unfair. I feel that they should have taken care of her until the end. Should I talk with mom about her will? I feel it is totally unfair that he will get more of her estate since he didn’t “finish the job.”

A Being treated fairly is a basic need and, whether we are humans or capuchin monkeys, we have opinions about what “fair” looks like. I mention capuchin monkeys because of the “Fairness Study” conducted by Frans de Waal. Waal placed two capuchin monkeys side by side in cages and gave them tasks to do. When they performed their tasks, they were rewarded with a slice of cucumber. Capuchins like cucumber and were happy to repeat the tasks over and over. The researcher then began rewarding one monkey with a grape (far favored over the cucumber), while continuing to reward the other money with a cucumber slice. It only took two tasks for the cucumber receiving monkey to refuse to do his task. In fact, in the video of the experiment, the monkey is seen throwing the cucumber slice back at the researcher! Being treated fairly is an innate, instinctive need in all of us.

So, let us look at your situation. Your mom lived with your brother for nine years. During that time, did mom pay your brother or gift him something? You did not mention it so I will assume the answer is no. 24-hour, in-home services can run over $30,000 per month which comes to $360,000 per year. If mom had remained in her own home for nine years paying for in-home care, it would have cost her over $3 million. It may be that your brother benefitted you by saving your mother all that money for the nine years; this leaves you more to inherit!

I caution you against asking your mom about the unequal distribution under her will. Your mother may feel that whether or not your brother “finished the job,” she is grateful for the time she had with them. She may have fond memories of that time and by pressing her on the will issue, you could soil those memories for her.

Finally, mom may be experiencing capacity issues and pressing her to change her will to favor you more equally could be viewed as an attempt by you to unduly influence an elder; extremely frowned upon by the courts! Unlike capuchin monkeys, as humans we can choose to view things differently. Be thankful to your brother for taking care of mom for so many years and saving her money so you will have something to inherit. Best to spend your time with her enjoying these final days as much as possible. Any happiness you can bring to her now may make her stay at the facility more enjoyable.

Liza Horvath has over 30 years of experience in the estate planning and trust fields and is a licensed professional fiduciary. Liza currently serves as president of Monterey Trust Management. This is not intended to be legal or tax advice. If you have a question, call (831) 646-5262 or email liza@montereytrust.com