Dear Amy >> I have two children, ages 5 and 10. I have been a single mother for the past four years after a decade of abuse from their father and a resulting restraining order. The court awarded me sole custody of the children.

Unfortunately, both children have their father’s last name.

I’m ready to move forward with changing their last names to my surname because I am their mother and sole caregiver.

The 5-year-old was too young to remember his father and is as excited as a 5-year-old can be about the change, but the 10-year-old has mixed feelings.

I think it’s better to do this change sooner rather than later, though I am cautious of the identity conflict a name change can bring.

— Matriname

Dear Matriname >> You state that you want to move forward with this name change because you are your sons’ mother and sole caregiver, but your decision here should be more about them and less about you.

I agree that your 10-year-old’s feelings should very much be taken into account as you make this decision. Discuss this with him privately, and maintain an attitude of patient listening. He has already lost a lot, and holding onto his name might be his way of trying to stem the tide of these losses to maintain his own sense of normalcy. Keep in mind that children of abusive parents often find ways to continue to love and long for them.

Your older son may worry that if he loses his father’s name, he will finally and forever lose his father.

Do not drag their father as you discuss this, but emphasize that you would like all three of you to share the same surname.

If your older son absolutely does not want to change his surname, do not pressure him, and hold off on the name change for the younger child.

Due to the circumstances here, these two boys having different surnames from one another would set them apart in both large and subtle ways.

Dear Amy >> This is in response to “Disgruntled Guest” who was complaining about destination weddings.

My husband and I married in Hawaii many years ago with only our children in attendance.

Our families were upset they weren’t invited, but we didn’t want to burden everyone by inviting them to a wedding across the Pacific.

So, over several months after our ceremony, we threw smaller wedding parties across the country.

We called it our “Wedding Tour” and the tagline was “Bringing the party to you!” It was easier for us and the kids to travel to several locations than it was to try and gather a couple hundred people all in one place.

We showed the video of our ceremony, wore our wedding attire, had great food and music, and specified no gifts. The complaints about missing our wedding stopped.

— Wedding Tour Guide

Dear Tour Guide >> This is great.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email, askamy@amydickinson.com.