Dear Eric >> I am a non-observant Jew. My spiritual beliefs are very personal, and I don’t discuss them casually. My mother became a Christian. This is important because, as she went deeper into her Christianity, she made friends who shared her beliefs.

One of them is a younger woman she called her spiritual daughter. My mother arranged an introduction for me to this woman, Jean, because she hoped I could help Jean through a rough patch. I don’t share Jean’s religion, but we were survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

We became friendly and Jean shared that my understanding helped her.

It’s now 15 years on, my mother died last year, and I find less to speak with Jean about. The past few conversations always seemed to be mostly about our differences. Jean’s faith is her security in an uncertain world. I find the things she says judgmental. I was quietly avoiding conversation, Jean called me out on it. I said I need a break from talking with her. She was somewhat defensive and told me how she feels she’s always been accepting toward me.

She’s a sweet person but I’ve come to feel like I’m a project of hers rather than a friend. Can you suggest a way forward?

— Spiritual Guidance

Dear Guidance >> Something about her claim that she’s always been accepting toward you doesn’t sit right with me. Your beliefs aren’t something she needs to accept. They are simply a fact for you. And she’s not in a position to decide whose faith is valid. I suspect that, by saying she’s accepting, she’s really indicating that she wishes she didn’t have to be. Hence the project.

Notably, you didn’t write that you are accepting toward her. Because from your version of events, Jean’s faith is a given that you didn’t feel the need to give permission to.

Going forward, you should both think about what the foundation of the next phase of your friendship can be. You started off connecting over places where your life experiences intersected, but every friendship has its seasons and that’s not the basis anymore. Right now, the basis seems to be your differences. If you and Jean can’t find something generative and equally fulfilling on which to keep building your friendship, its season may have passed.

Talk to her about this. This shouldn’t be on you alone. Tell her that the conversations about differences, or even about faith in general, aren’t working for you. Ask her what she thinks your positive connection points are and then decide if you agree.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com