Dear Eric >> My mother is 92 and lives alone in the Midwest; I’m here in Southern California. She lives around 18 miles from town on 65 acres. I phone her twice weekly and sometimes more often. After I retired, I asked her to move here and found a lovely place for her as she prefers her own space. She refused and I tried my best to offer all the reasons why it would be the best option. I visit her twice yearly and my sister and brother visit as well, but not as often. She doesn’t drive and thankfully my niece lives close to her, shops and helps her whenever my mom asks her for help.

I know she’s lonely and it upsets me, but I feel like she made the decision to stay in her home. Here’s the dilemma: when I call, I talk about my life and what’s going on with my daughters and grandsons, etc. She has such a narrow life without much to talk about, so the conversation is one-sided.

She reads but doesn’t want to discuss books or what she’s watching on television. I try to bring up memories and she enjoys this angle of conversation. Sometimes, after talking for an hour, I try to end our conversation, and her response is scolding and negative that I don’t have time for her. It’s hurtful and guilting. I’d appreciate your thoughts.

— Loving but Frustrated Daughter

Dear Daughter >> This is a tough spot for you; I’m sorry. I suspect your mom’s reaction comes from the conflict between wanting a well-earned autonomy and finding herself lonely, nonetheless. So, when she guilts you, try to remind yourself that it’s a reflection of the circumstance, not a fault in your actions.

Try scheduling your calls before another appointment and letting her know in advance that you’re setting aside this time for her. A preset end time may help you to redirect any guilting. “Of course I have time for you, Mom. I’ve got to go do [X] right now, but remember I’ll call you again tomorrow at 10. I’m looking forward to it.”

You can also talk through this pattern before the next call ends. “I feel sad when you say I don’t have time for you. Can we talk about why you feel that way and try to find solutions?” You’re already actively listening and using your observations to guide the conversation to topics that interest her. But you can also gently toss the ball back to her court by asking what she would like to talk about. Lastly, see if she has interest in scheduling a call during one of her shows, like a friend date. You could chat during the commercials and simply be in each other’s company when the show comes back on. Sometimes a call demands conversation, but at other times it’s just nice to know someone is on the other end of the line.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com