Dear Eric >> My daughter died in 2009 at the age of 26. She had a chronic condition at the time and treatment was not available in the United States. She died in Mexico at a top hospital.

At the time she died I had a friend of nearly 35 years. He came to the funeral but the only time I have seen him since is at his father’s funeral. No personal contact other than the card sent on my birthday along with a package one year, which I threw away without opening. One of his siblings tried to intervene by telling me how sorry he is. That didn’t go well as I no longer speak to that person.

My anger is so great toward him that if I would see him in public, I don’t know what I would do. Every time I see or come across something that reminds me of the things we did together I could explode.

I am still bitter, and grief stricken by her death so many years ago. So, what do you think?

— Abandoned Friend

Dear Friend >> I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. The intense grief has only been compounded by the loss of this friendship, and for that I’m sorry, too. From time to time in this column, people write letters about not knowing what to say or do when a friend or loved one is grieving. It’s common to feel trapped, not wanting to make things worse with the wrong words. The guidance is always the same: just reach out. I wish that your friend had heard this years ago.

You’re justified in your anger. But I want you to be free of this, as much as possible, so that you can continue to care for yourself. One option is to acknowledge for yourself that your friend’s behavior was hurtful, that they didn’t make the right choices, and that it had real, long-lasting consequences. Then, acknowledge that they’re a human and, like us all, prone to terrible mistakes. Choose to release them — not necessarily forgiving or forgetting, just moving it to the past so that it’s not always such a fresh wound.

Another option is to reach out to your friend directly and tell them, “I felt very hurt when you didn’t reach out. It was made worse by your continued distance over the last decade. It’s made my grief harder to navigate.” This doesn’t have to be a step on the path to reconciliation. Sometimes we simply have to have a conversation in which harm is conceded on both sides. There may be nothing that can be done to make amends, but you don’t have to continue to relive this pain.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com