Dear Amy >> My little sister took over the family farm and has been running it (with my other sister) for two years. It is an incredible amount of work, and it keeps her busy from sunup to sundown.

A year and a half ago, she had a son. I offered to watch him.

I’m a stay-at-home mom for my own boys, so no problem.

We currently live with my parents, whose home sits right on the farm property. My sister offered money, but I said I was happy to watch him without payment.

I agreed to this without first discussing it with my husband.

But what started out as a few days a week quickly turned into six days, from breakfast to dinnertime.

This started to cut into my own family time. My husband refused to help me on his days off because he hadn’t agreed to it.

We both became increasingly fatigued and bitter.

We went to marriage counseling. Our counselor said it was unfair that I hadn’t discussed it with my husband from the beginning and that I should cut back on the babysitting commitment. I did, and we both felt better.

I had a baby in February, and told my sister that I would like a “maternity leave.”

But then I also told her that if she wanted to move into the empty lot next to us, I’d be willing to watch her child again during my baby’s infancy.

When I told my husband, he was distraught.

He said I did this without his consent again and that he would have said “no” if I had asked him first.

I understand why he’s upset. I should have communicated before offering.

But I also wonder why I need his permission to do something that I enjoy doing, that helps out a family member, and that blesses my own children.

My husband never has to watch this child at all. Can he tell me what I can and can’t do in this regard?

It seems a bit controlling to me. Or am I missing something?

— Whit

Dear Whit >> I can’t figure out why you took your counselor’s good advice, things got better for both you and your husband, and then you proceeded to repeat the behavior you’d already agreed to change.

Your husband isn’t telling you what to do. He is telling you that you need to discuss decisions that have an impact on your family with him before committing. This is committing to a discussion, not an outcome.

And, of course, he needs to do the same!

You two have a new baby at home and now you are asking your sister to move closer to you so that you can commit further childcare. Your family is living in your parents’ house.

Your husband might feel overwhelmed and excluded because your immediate family is so enmeshed with your extended family.

The way around this is for you two to act like full partners, discussing major work and family decisions with one another before committing, and to discuss and agree on reasonable boundaries.