Q I enjoy my work, but feel trapped at lunch with colleagues who are nasty gossips or just too nosy. It’s all very high school, and we’re talking people in their 60s here! I draw a strict line between my work and private life. One colleague relishes information about people’s private lives, which she repeats at work — truly nasty stuff. I try my best to avoid them but am sometimes trapped in the lunchroom and am asked pointed questions about my work schedule, etc.

Any advice on a pat response that is cordial but also conveys, “Hey, this isn’t your concern” and also “gross!”?

— Anonymous

A I also feel sometimes as though “real life” is like high school. Sometimes the personal and professional politics of adulthood bear an uncanny resemblance to the years of mid- to late adolescence. At work, as in secondary school, information is often considered currency, even at the expense of others’ privacy and reputations. And there’s always that one person who asks too many questions for our own comfort, especially when we have ample evidence that she or he is likely to share our answers with others.

As for how to navigate this, you need to practice both acceptance and disengagement. There will always be some level of intrigue at work, but you are under no obligation to actively engage with it. Try to find a good reason to excuse yourself from certain conversations, or work to change the subject. I don’t know that any version of “this isn’t your concern” or “gross!” — however politely it is delivered — will do much good other than to further alienate you from your co-workers. (Side note: I don’t find it particularly intrusive that you’re being asked questions about your work schedule, but of course you’re not obligated to respond.)

An about-face

Q Recently I resigned from a job with an excellent organization after my supervisor sent me an email excoriating me for work he had previously approved. When I submitted an initial draft, he wrote, “Nice job.” Why the sudden shift? His boss was not satisfied with it, and instead of simply asking me to revise it, he implied that I had somehow gone rogue — when, in fact, I had followed his directions to a T. If he had been truly dissatisfied, he obviously would have not brought it to her in the first place. I understand wanting to please one’s boss, but I believe it is unprofessional for a manager to deflect blame at the expense of his or her subordinates. Was his conduct unethical and, if so, do I have a responsibility to make upper management aware of the situation?

— A.Z., Massachusetts

A The same thing happened to me. At a recent job, I wrote a memo to be passed along to some VIPs in the organization — a memo that I sent to my boss and he signed off on — only to be sneered at and condescended to when it turned out that said VIPs weren’t happy with what I had to say or the suggestions I had made.

It was a horrible feeling, compounded by the fact that my boss’s response also made me feel crazy. (There’s a term for this: gaslighting.) Why, I wondered, would he have given me the green light to send the memo if he thought it was such a mess? But I didn’t ask him this. Instead, I blamed myself.

Let me say this: It is absolutely unprofessional for a manager to deflect blame onto a subordinate. As for whether you are obligated to make upper management aware of the situation, first I’d ask if there is there a paper trail. (I’m a big believer in paper trails.) If there is, make what happened known to upper management. If there isn’t, I still think you should reach out to your former employer’s HR department. I regret that I never did that, though I still dream of it. Good luck.

Anna Holmes is an award-winning writer, editor and creative exec whose work has appeared in numerous publications, including the New York Times, Washington Post, and The New Yorker.