Dear Eric >> Five years ago, on Mother’s Day, my adult son suddenly cut me out of his life. He told me he no longer wanted contact because he didn’t like the way he was raised and considered me a negative presence. I didn’t agree with his reasons, but I respected his choice. I’ve honored his no-contact request ever since.

I’ve never reached out to him directly, except once early on to his wife, and when one of my grandchildren turned 18, I sent a short letter letting him know I loved him and that now he could choose for himself, as an adult, whether to have a relationship with me. I didn’t hear back, but I plan to do the same for the others when they come of age.

My question is: if I become terminally ill or find myself on my deathbed would it be wrong to send my son a letter asking if he’d want to be notified when the time comes? Or would that be crossing a line, even in the face of death? When I had cancer a few years ago, I didn’t contact him, but I did tell my daughter to let him know if I passed. Thankfully, I made it through, but I know I’m living on borrowed time.

A Mother Who Still Loves Her Son

Dear Mother >> I’m sorry that it’s come to this between you and your son. Estrangement is so hard and can be so confusing. I’m curious, however, if there’s a deeper need that you’re trying to address with this question. It’s clear that your son’s decision is painful and you feel helpless to fix it. And so, the mind naturally goes to a scenario that might get a response. But getting his permission to notify him in the event of your death is not going to fully satisfy you.

What you’re reaching for is a connection with your son. Or, at the least, reassurance that there is still something left in your relationship. Both are understandable. And I believe that’s something you’ll need to address in life.

Your son doesn’t need to give you permission to have someone notify him when you pass. It’s also possible he wouldn’t respond to that letter either, which would make you feel worse. Your daughter has already agreed to do it, and I can’t see why she wouldn’t follow through. Also, if you have a will, he’d be contacted by the executor of your estate.

If you want to reset or repair your relationship because of your sense of borrowed time, you should. Now, that might involve some deeper soul-searching, some work with a counselor or some amends. And you have to go into acknowledging that your son still may not respond at all. But do the work you can in life; it will provide you more comfort.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com