Dear Eric >> Over the years my husband and I have given our son and daughter-in-law many gifts such as kitchen appliances, furniture, a car and other expensive items. These gifts have always been presented to both of them.

Our daughter-in-law has never acknowledged this. We don’t understand why. Our daughter-in-law has a very strong personality. She is dominant in the marriage. Although we all live in the same town, holidays are spent with her family and the grandchildren spend the majority of their free time with her family. We have addressed this with our son, but his reply is, “ Do you want a divorce in the family?”

We have college funds for their children and will soon be starting tuition payments. Is our son’s acknowledgment of our gifts enough? We feel sad about this situation but hesitate to ask him or her. Love to hear your opinion.

— Slighted Grandma

Dear Grandma >> It’s worth considering your son’s acknowledgement as a blanket thanks from the whole family. Sure, the right thing for your daughter-in-law (and the kids) to do, is to also make sure you know the gifts are appreciated. But, for many families, one thank you note suffices.

I’m curious about your son’s comment regarding divorce. That, coupled with your observations about the imbalance in family together time, suggest to me that perhaps the underlying issue isn’t so much gift acknowledgement as it is a personality clash between you and your daughter-in-law. If you don’t like the way that your son’s marriage works, then other things are likely to pop up and rankle you. You’re entitled to your opinion, of course, but, at a certain point, it’s helpful to let go of some of those opinions and let your son own the choices he’s making.

It’s also possible that your generosity has been an attempt to win more quality time with the family. I can see that logic. If you pay for the children’s tuition or give the family a car, it stands to reason they’d make a point to show their gratitude by seeing you more. It doesn’t always work that way, though. Try, if you can, to also uncouple those expectations from the gift-giving, even if it means giving less. But, if you want to see your son, your grandkids, or even your daughter-in-law more, you can and should ask for that directly.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com