Over the last 12 months, she has gotten verbally abusive when she has too much to drink. At these times, she says things that are filled with pure rage and have a stinging effect for a long period of time.
To make matters worse, when I approach her about it, she remembers none of it, and I am forced to relive all of it as I attempt to describe what she said, and the effect it has had on me.
I have made it very clear that I think she has an alcohol abuse problem, and her response is to say that she is sorry, and she will watch her quantity of drinking to make sure it does not happen again. Yet, it happens repeatedly.
I suffer from low self-esteem as it is, and her comments truly hurt more than I can say. I have told her numerous times that if she keeps it up, she is going to lose me, and yet I stay, as a result of the vicious cycle of my low self-esteem.
How do I find the courage to tell her enough is enough and to finally stand up for myself?
You might want to create an audio (or video) recording of one of your wife’s tirades. She might be inspired to confront her drinking if she is also confronted with her behavior when she is drunk, and its impact on you.
However, regardless of whether your wife acknowledges or confronts her drinking, you need to take care of yourself.
Self-esteem and courage don’t always strike like lightning, transforming your life in a flash. These qualities are the result of a process of experiences overlaid with self-reflection and propped up by kindness and support.
Attending Al-Anon meetings could help you to confront and cope with your own vulnerabilities, and receive support from people who are working their own solutions. Check al-anon.org for a local meeting.
I have kept her secret for too long because it’s none of my business and it would get her into trouble.
But now with the baby born, I feel that keeping this secret protects this man and does more harm to my friend.
I know she’s an adult and can make her own decisions. But adults can make bad decisions, too. And by not telling the wife, I feel like I am allowing a bully to get away with hurting my friend.
What you ignore, you empower. Isn’t that the case here?
Cheated-upon spouses always say they wish someone had told them. If you personally know the wife, perhaps you should approach this by weighing her right to know, versus your friend’s right to make her own mistakes.
What you neglected to point out is that nieces and nephews are an asset — they are the kids who can be enjoyed for a few hours and then returned to their parents so that cheerful childlessness resumes!
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