Sara had been feeling stuck since her partner of five years cheated with her friend. Three years later, she still felt the walls go up whenever someone got too close. Although this self-protective mechanism has the good intention of not allowing her to get close enough to be so deeply hurt again, Sara understood that it was keeping her stuck and lonely.

If Sara’s story resonates with you, you’re not alone. Rebuilding trust after betrayal is one of the most challenging — and necessary — journeys we can take. Trust and connection with others are vital for healing, feeling secure and experiencing the joy of meaningful relationships. Here’s some ideas about how we can build trust in a healthy way, especially after being deeply hurt.

Recognize the roots of the distrust >> Was it a past relationship or part of your childhood that has left you wary? Take a moment to acknowledge these triggers without judgment. Notice if you tend to place all the blame on others, or if you tend to blame yourself and take on all the responsibility about what happened. From a neutral perspective, try to identify what is truly yours to own and what is not. This balanced approach prevents the all-or-nothing thinking that can hinder your capacity or willingness to trust.

Take stock of your closest relationships, past and present >> Identify what’s important for you to feel safe and connected in a relationship or friendship. Write these qualities, values, and needs down to make them concrete and tangible. As you take the first few steps in a new relationship or friendship, take note if these qualities are present or not. This awareness can guide you in deciding which people to gradually build trust with and helps you understand your own needs better.

Build trust in yourself >> Using the information you’ve identified, promise yourself that you will surround yourself with people who are trustworthy, and that you will not stick around if people prove they are not. Declare that you will not “paint red flags green” by ignoring or justifying others’ bad behavior or lack of regard for you. Decide that you will pay attention to red flags and protect yourself. You are not the same person you were before, and you won’t let yourself get in the same situation again. When you have your own back, it feels safer to let others in little by little.

Identify and challenge harmful beliefs >> Sara told me that she believed she was not loveable as a result of her break up. Pause and remind yourself that your thoughts are not facts. Consider the opposite thought. When I asked Sara how “I am loveable” might also be true, she had lots of evidence come to mind. You can also replace a harmful belief with an “it’s possible” statement like, “it’s possible I’m loveable” or “it’s possible I could trust again.” Your heart and nervous system need proof, so look for evidence that supports the positive beliefs you want to hold. Confirmation bias works both ways — focus on the evidence that confirms what you want to believe about trust and love.

Take baby steps and go at your own pace >> Trust is not an on-off switch; it’s earned over time. Think of Brene Brown’s marble jar — trust builds one marble at a time. When someone shows up consistently, returns your call or keeps a small confidence, they earn a marble. When they don’t, they lose one. Give a little and see what you get in return, or ask for a little and observe the response. This gradual approach helps build trust incrementally, reducing the risk of getting hurt. Focus on what’s in your control and be patient with the process.

Trusting others can be tough, especially if we’ve been burned in the past. However, if a fulfilled and happy life means having connection and relationship with others, taking gradual steps to rebuild your capacity for trust will help you move in the direction you desire. You are worthy of trust and connection. Your past hurt doesn’t disqualify you from future love — it just makes you wiser about who deserves a place in your life.

I aim to provide compassionate and practical guidance. Submit below if you’d like my perspective on your question or circumstance in a future column.

Tiffany Skidmore is a mental health and life coach who specializes in life transitions and anxiety. Email your questions and feedback to tiffanyskidmore.com">tiffany@tiffanyskidmore.com or submit them anonymously at tinyurl.com/thelifecoach. Visit tiffanyskidmore.com to learn more.