I ended a relationship 11 years ago — it was a grueling process from start to finish.

First was the phase of reckoning. I began to listen to the quiet, inner voice that knew what was needed. After making the decision and communicating it to my (then) partner and best friend, there was a period of grieving where I got very still and very slow. I went to work, but not much more. I cried, drank wine, and watched reality TV.

After several weeks, I started digging myself out of the deep depression I’d slipped into — paying out-of-pocket for expensive, mediocre therapy because I knew I needed the weekly accountability. I tended to the basics that helped me heal — nourishing food, rest, social connection, outdoor time, and limiting substances and screen time.

Eventually, I regained enough energy and health to get to work creating the next chapter of my life. Spoiler: the next chapter was amazing.

At the time, though, I questioned myself endlessly. I second-guessed my decision because the pain of the relationship ending was crushing. I had moments of self-trust, but mostly I felt messy and uncertain. Now, I look back at that time as one where I built trust in myself, emerging stronger and more confident. ...

A main ingredient of self-trust is knowing yourself well and accepting all of who you are. The more you are able to nonjudgmentally observe yourself — your feelings, needs, thoughts, urges, and actions — the better you can navigate both challenges and your responses ...

I’ve learned that I tend to move through big life changes in similar phases. Since I know this, I’m able to trust that even if I’m feeling big emotions or second-guessing my decision, it will pass. I will get to the next phase of settling in and feeling better. I also know that when I navigate a big transition, I usually gain a little weight from stress-eating ice cream and potato chips. Rather than berating myself like I used to, I treat myself gently, trusting that once things fall into a rhythm, I will return to my baseline.

Another important practice is to begin gathering evidence that you can trust yourself. Our brains will automatically highlight the negative aspects or missteps, so it’s vital that we pay attention to all the reasons we should trust ourselves. ...

Please note: a good decision does not mean the result is exclusively rainbows, puppies, and sparkles. Good decisions still require at least some discomfort. Ending my relationship remains one of my top five most painful experiences. However, I can look back now and say that I was right to trust myself. We are both re-partnered with career changes and fulfilling life paths that wouldn’t have been possible if we remained together.

Finally, revising what we require in order to trust ourselves can be useful. Often, we hold insanely high standards for ourselves. ...

But, what if we don’t need to have all the answers or do everything perfectly or have every area of life on-pace in order to trust ourselves? ... What if the only thing needed to trust ourselves was to believe that we can figure out whatever comes our way? I don’t know about you, but that helps me breathe a sigh of relief. Even if I’m shaky in the moment, I can trust that I will figure things out.

What are the main ingredients that help you build self-trust? What areas of life are the hardest to trust yourself? What are the easiest?

I aim to provide compassionate and practical guidance. Submit below if you’d like my perspective on your question or circumstance in a future column.

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