Dear Readers, This column was originally published in 2023. A similar question came in so I am rerunning it. Enjoy!

QMy mom made me the trustee of her trust and two weeks ago she passed away. I can’t believe the changes in my siblings’ personalities! All of a sudden, they are suspicious of what I am doing, they call screaming at me that I am not doing anything about my mom’s funds, and they say they just want me out of the way.

I have not taken any steps yet, but I understand there is not a huge hurry for me to get things done. Do I need to even respond to their irate calls and texts? I feel like I’m in the hot seat and they are being irrational. I have told them that I am in charge, and they just need to wait. Any suggestions of how to best deal with this herd of lunatics?

A My condolences for the loss of your mother. This must be an extremely difficult time for both you and your siblings. Unfortunately, you have the added stress of being responsible for the administration of the trust.

When a family experiences the loss of a parent, the dynamics of a family can shift. It happens so often that I am surprised we don’t have an actual name for it, but I assure you that you are not alone in this experience. It is good to remember that your siblings are dealing with grief, loss and now a fear that you may not be “up to the job” of handling her trust administration. In these situations, the best course of action is to be very clear on what your duties are, what the realistic timelines are for the administration, and provide as much detail as possible to your siblings. In other words, offer complete transparency.

A couple of things I want to point out in your question: First, there are, in fact, some things that need to be addressed immediately. You need to make sure death certificates have been ordered. The sooner you have them in hand, the sooner you can begin to marshal the bank accounts and other financial accounts held in the trust name. You also need to secure the assets of the trust which means you should change the locks on the house and take any other precautions necessary to safeguard the trust assets.

Second, while your siblings may rile you, the worst thing you can do is react harshly or ignore them. Telling them “I am in charge” is not a good approach. If they are fearful you are not up to the job and being dismissive of their concerns or “lording” it over them that mom picked you (and not them) for the job, will only stoke their fears. In your question, you refer to them as a “herd of lunatics.” If you are thinking of them in this way, you are probably dealing with them in this way, too. Again, try to be compassionate and understand their heightened fears and feelings surrounding the loss of your mother.

Ask your attorney for a step-by-step outline of the administration process and communicate these steps to them now. Set realistic expectations. It can take nine to twelve months to complete a trust administration — give them an estimate of when they can expect their inheritance. As you move through the process, keep them advised of your progress.

In highly emotional situations like this, it is important that you do your best to connect with your siblings, hear their concerns in a non-judgmental manner and try to understand their concerns. Finally, make every attempt to help them understand that this is a process and will take time.

If all fails and you are unsuccessful in establishing an understanding, ask your attorney to intervene. Some trustees find it necessary to have all communication go through their attorney.

Liza Horvath has over 30 years of experience in the estate planning and trust fields and is the president of Monterey Trust Management, a financial and trust management company. This is not intended to be legal or tax advice. If you have a question call (831) 646-5262 or email liza@montereytrust.com