Dear Eric >> While having lunch with my 75-year-old mother the other day, she suddenly announced that she does not want to live in a nursing home. She repeated it several times.

Unfortunately, my mom hasn’t been able to save much for her future and doesn’t have a plan in place if she ever needs long-term care. For now, she lives nearby in a wonderful senior community with plenty of social activities, which she really enjoys. Her rent is based on her income, and thankfully, she is able to live within her means. However, her current living situation does not offer a continuum of care, so if she ever becomes incapacitated, she will need to relocate.

My mom is only 18 years older than me, and because I helped raise my siblings, I deliberately chose not to have children. As the oldest of five, I sense that my siblings are looking to me to come up with a plan, and my mom even half-jokingly calls me her mother at times.

I want to make sure she’s well cared for, but I don’t want to be the one solely responsible for managing her future.

How can I be a good daughter while honoring my own boundaries?

— Not Ready to be Mom’s Mom

Dear Not Ready >> This is an opportunity for you, a de facto mother hen figure, to push everyone out of the nest and encourage them to fly on their own. What does this mean outside of metaphor-land? There are six adults in this situation and each of them, your mom included, needs to start coming up with solutions.

Just as your mom made her proclamation and expected you to pivot accordingly, you should tell your siblings that you will not be figuring out the next steps in your mom’s care alone. Preferably, this happens at a family meeting with your mother in attendance so that everyone is on the same page.

You may still have to do some project management, but this family meeting is a time when responsibilities can be divided up and options can be presented. Someone can take a look at mom’s finances and talk to the other siblings about what kind of financial support they can offer. Someone can talk with your mom and her doctor about what kind of care support she might need and what services there are to meet those needs. Someone can be the point person for sibling communication. Someone can start researching caregiving and ways for siblings to share the responsibility. None of those people should be you. Don’t leave until everyone has taken on a task.

It’s good that your mom is thinking about this in advance and that there isn’t an imminent concern. This gives your siblings time to adjust to the new paradigm and gives you time to release some of the responsibility with love.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com