Dear Eric >> We have a 39-year-old son who works in commercial real estate but has been out of work for 10 months. He has told us he is very depressed and has been for years now. He ran out of health insurance and refuses to get any further therapy.

He has told us that it will take at least a year for him to find another job. He has not communicated with me for at least nine months and will not return any communications when I reach out to him. He has only talked to his mother three times since then.

My wife and I are at loggerheads with regard to how much financial support we should give him. We are supporting him to the tune of $5,000 a month. This will, over time, erode our retirement funds. We are both 75 years old.

I have offered to continue to support him, but he must seek therapy which we will gladly pay for. He also needs to let us know whether he plans to stay with this profession, look at another field, or further pursue more education, which we will be happy to pay for.

My wife thinks we should continue to support him even though he will not speak to us about his intentions. I don’t agree. Your thoughts would be helpful.

— Supportive Parent

Dear Parent >> You’re being incredibly generous and it’s hard to fault you for doing everything in your power to help your son. However, your son’s actions show an unwillingness to participate in his own recovery, which begs the question at what point does support become enabling?

Your son’s depression may be so intense that he feels there are no options for him, but you and your wife are providing a plethora of options. He might resent your input, but that resentment hasn’t stopped him from cashing your checks. So, he’s got a choice to make.

Hold the next payment until he sits down for a frank conversation. Be clear with him: you love him, you’re concerned for him, you want to help him. He can’t keep accepting your money and not communicating with you. It’s disrespectful and it doesn’t work for you. It isn’t that he owes you a relationship in return for your money, it’s that you’re in a relationship and he’s abusing it. He needs to figure out why and make amends.

If you and your wife decide it’s worth it for your peace of mind to continue supporting your son, I strongly encourage you to reduce it to a level that won’t endanger your futures, especially considering he’s not a dependable support.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com