Dear Eric >> My son (30) and his fiancee live on the East Coast, and I (61) live on the West Coast.

My son lived with me to the age of 20 then moved out of state. Although we both admit we drive each other crazy when we are together too long, we also love each other very much and say so. We are just both very independent. I am utterly confused about visiting him.

This November it will be three years since I’ve seen him, and I miss him. I text him before calling to see if it’s a good time. Sometimes he texts me back, most often, he doesn’t. There is no anger when we do speak. He recently became engaged to a woman he’s been with for eight years. When he told me he wanted to propose, I sent him my diamond ring.

When I ask him to let me know when a good time would be for me to visit, he says he’ll get back with me but then doesn’t. He said it’s not that he doesn’t want me to visit, but that he’s so busy right now he can’t get to it. I’ve also let them know that I plan on staying at a nearby hotel. He and his fiancee are living with her mom since her dad recently passed away. His fiancee said she wants me to visit and share the wedding plans.

Should I just make my arrangements and tell him when I’m coming? Should I just forget about visiting unless he brings it up? I don’t want to be overbearing but I also don’t want to be neglectful.

— Missing Mom

Dear Mom >> Sometimes, especially in relationships with prickly edges and love at the center, it’s good to assume that everyone is trying their best. This allows you to operate out of a place of love and generosity of spirit, and hopefully with less anxiety.

In this case, that might mean assuming that your son is genuine when he says he wants you to visit, but also that he’s struggling with the logistics of it all. Your son should also be able to see you, to visit you, and to make meaningful time for you.

That’s something that he needs to work on. But you can show him love, and set an example, by showing up.

There’s a lot on his plate right now, with his living situation and his fiancee’s family’s loss, and he may not be able to extend hospitality right now. I know that you’re not asking for anything here indeed, you’ve gone out of your way to make this an easy yes. Neither of you is in the wrong.

And so, I think you should make the arrangements, make yourself a fun sightseeing schedule, and tell him that you’ll be in town and you would love to see him and his fiancee as much as their schedules allow.

You might even ask him to connect you to his fiancee (if you don’t already have her number) and make a lunch date of your own. This isn’t overbearing behavior. It’s loving and it’s very generous of you.