Dear Abby >> I’m engaged to a delightful woman from a foreign country. She’s a divorcee, and her 19-year-old son is doing well in college. She essentially raised him herself. Because of some spectrum disorder and ADHD symptoms, her son was apparently a handful. I am healthy, have multiple advanced degrees (including an M.D. and a Ph.D.), and have enjoyed a successful and lucrative career. I have raised six happy, healthy and independent children. I’ve worked very hard and have a substantial bankroll.

My concern is that she tends to treat me like she might treat her son. She asks me (repeatedly) if I’m cold and suggests that I wear more clothes. She asks me if I’m hungry, thirsty or tired, and if I should exercise. I don’t think she does it maliciously. I think she genuinely cares for me and is expressing her love with these matronly concerns.

I have suggested repeatedly that she doesn’t need to provide advice on clothing, hunger, etc. — that I’m an adult and have successfully figured out those things for a very long time. She has much less money than I do, and I help to support her. But I cannot continue to tolerate her maternalistic attitude. I have told her several times that I need a lover, not a mother, but it doesn’t seem to penetrate. How can I get this woman whom I love to treat me as an adult and not to question my mature decisions?

— Nobody’s Child in New York

Dear Nobody’s child >> Your fiancee may not be trying to infantilize you. Many, if not most, women who love the men in their lives fuss over them. Because her efforts are not pleasing and are having a negative effect, you are going to have to be more direct in your message, and by that, I mean tell her it is such a turnoff for you that you are considering ending the relationship. Stating it just that way may help the message to penetrate.

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