Mother weary after decades of adjusting food for vegan couple

Dear Eric: When my daughter married 25 years ago, she and her husband decided to go vegan. My husband and I respected and fully supported them. After all, we had raised her on meals cooked from scratch out of natural ingredients and saw veganism as a move in an even purer direction.

Sure, it was hard to ditch the turkey at Thanksgiving and the roast beef at Christmas, but we handled it. Instead, we experimented making unique ethnic dishes emphasizing vegetables and grains even if it did take three times more effort and time and taxed stomachs not used to all the beans.

What was more disappointing was not being able to use butter and eggs to make the traditional cakes and cookies that had been passed with pride through my mother’s side of the family. I tried hard to make new plant-based desserts with substitute ingredients, but — no matter what anybody claims — they just do not taste the same. Without these memorable recipes, our family gatherings always feel lacking.

The last straw came after we had a barbecue with our daughter’s family and grilled some of the new fancy vegan burgers. Afterward I became violently ill and only then discovered it contained a new synthetic ingredient that irritates digestive systems of people who have inflammatory conditions like mine.

Now that I’m 75, I am done. I just don’t have the body, time or energy to fight the veganism battle anymore. What can be done?

— Unhappy at the Holiday Table

Dear Holiday Table: I believe that you’ve made a good- faith effort to honor your daughter’s veganism, but I also believe that your resentment over this life choice is coloring your experience. You characterize this as a battle, but who is fighting?

For instance, if you want the traditional cakes and cookies at a holiday, what’s stopping you from making them for yourself and other non-vegan guests, while still making (or assigning someone to make) vegan alternatives? No, they will not taste the same. This is true of any recipe modification. If you need the originals at your holiday meals, you can have them.

I don’t see demands from your daughter in your letter. They might be there in reality and, if that’s the case, then the situation is slightly different.

But, either way, ask yourself what’s necessary for reasonable accommodations and what’s too much for you. If you don’t like vegan burgers, perhaps a burger-centric barbecue isn’t the best option. For instance, there are so many vegan options for outdoor gatherings that can be made with items in your fridge and pantry, from pasta salads to veggie skewers to more adventurous options like pulled jackfruit with barbecue sauce and grilled portabella mushrooms.

Dear Eric: We live in a 14-unit, mostly self-managed condo building. We have been here 17 years. The woman above us had been here 25 years (or more) when we moved in.

Over the past several years, she has become increasingly difficult. It did not help that I was on the condo board when she was not paying her assessments, not fulfilling her Chapter 13 plan, etc.

She is upset that she hears noises from other units. In retaliation, she makes noise so the rest of us will have to experience what she is going through.

She plays music or her TV loud enough to interfere with my concentration. And she occasionally bangs on walls or ceilings and screams, “Go back where you came from,” and other invective at the tenant, who is a refugee.

Worse than that, she has called the police to complain about the noise from the upstairs tenant more than once when it was just a mom and baby.

I suppose I should be grateful that the music is usually not objectionable (no metal, lots of oldies). But I am angry that this continues, and I want it to stop. What do you recommend?

— Want Quiet

Dear Quiet: As a former member of your condo’s board, you’re probably familiar with the building’s rules. Is there a quiet- enjoyment clause that your neighbor is violating?

If so, you should bring this issue to the board. She has a history of not paying her assessments, so it sounds like this board isn’t especially effective at enforcing its own rules.

Should the current board prove unhelpful, you can consult an attorney who specializes in condo boards and HOAs for more options for resolving internal disputes.

Send questions to eric@ askingeric.com.