Dear Eric >> For more than five years I have been having a single friend and her two kids over to dinner weekly. This started after her philandering, narcissistic husband, who had been having an affair while she was nearing term with a difficult pregnancy and hospitalized, left her for the other woman while my friend was on maternity leave with the new preemie and the older child.

I ceased contact with the philanderer/deserter and have never spoken to the girlfriend (now wife), and I don’t intend to. Their divorce, because of the complexities of rearing children between two households, remains fraught, and the children are suffering because of it.

But they are moving into a house on the street where I live, and where I am friendly with everyone else.

How do I navigate this?

— Pseudo Grandparent

Dear Grandparent >> You can hold the line with the ex-husband. Not every neighbor needs to be your friend. But since you have a relationship with the kids and with their mom, you might talk to your friend about the new arrangement and ask her how you can best be supportive. It will probably be very helpful for the kids to have a place on the block that they know is safe and supportive. They may not yet be old enough to come visit on their own, so for now your weekly dinners may have to suffice. But continuing this tradition will strengthen the relationship you’re building and help them — the kids and your friend — to see you as a crucial support.

Dear Eric >> Our daughter is 46 years old. She has been an addict most of her life, with short periods of sobriety. She is sadly now in a position of no place to live, no job; her children have completely cut her out of their lives. We bought her a car with the promise she would get a job — it hasn’t happened. My heart is broken. Sadly, she has an identical twin sister (who is a successful professional) who is deeply affected by this. Our other children are all successful with jobs and families. What can/should we do — my husband and I are in our 70s and on a fixed income.

— Heartbroken Mom

Dear Mom >> This is hard for your daughter, for you, and for your entire family; I’m sorry. Though painful, it will be helpful for you to admit powerlessness over your daughter’s addiction. This doesn’t mean you love her any less nor does it mean you won’t do whatever you can to help. But it means you can’t take the steps she needs to take to recover. Only she can do that.

Be clear with your daughter that you want to help her, you love her, and you see the struggle she’s had most of her life.

At this point, financial support is not going to help, and it has the potential to put you in dire straits. You may feel fear when setting this boundary for yourself. Talk about the feelings that come up with your loved ones, including your children, and in a group like SMART Recovery Family or Al-Anon.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.