Dear Amy: My wife and I are struggling with how to handle our relationship with our new daughter-in-law. No matter what, it seems impossible to draw her into the fold of our family and to shower her with love and affection.

She is moody and often cold and indifferent. She and my son live a couple of hours away in a major city, and both of them have big jobs that keep them busy.

Unfortunately, we are forced to compete for their time with her parents, who live much closer to them. This really hurts us because we now have a 1-year-old grandchild. Even though we have sought to alternate holidays, she and her mother always have some excuse as to why they can’t come to our home. We have to wait until the day after. We are not asked to offer child care advice.

We are constantly angry and hurt over her passive-aggression. She was wonderful with us before they got married, but all that seems to be in the past. We have a close relationship with our only son, who tries to make everyone happy. His high-paying job is demanding and stressful. We worry about confronting this, adding to his stress, and possibly losing them both.

— Desperate in the Burbs

Dear Desperate: I’m going to offer a different perspective. Your daughter-in-law is relatively new to your life. She has a new baby, a demanding job, a husband with a demanding job and parents nearby. She is dealing with a lot. And she has in-laws who are “constantly angry and hurt.” You are casting yourselves as demanding and disappointed. She may sense your anger and turn away because she doesn’t know how to please you.

Try being kindly and cooperative in-laws and grandparents. Rather than insist that they visit you, maybe travel to their home once or twice a month for the day. Offer five or six hours of free time on a weekend for the parents to do errands or go out together. Or hang with the family for an afternoon and get to know them.

Think of this as a process that will happen in stages. Try to relax as it does.

Dear Amy: We have just survived another holiday season with our little nightmare of a nephew, “Boo.” He and his folks live in another part of the country and we all travel to spend a week at our ancestral home over the holidays.

Boo is 6. His parents are wonderful people. Boo’s dad travels extensively for work and his mom has decided to “home-school” him. I’m not sure what this consists of, because although he is very bright and spirited, Boo doesn’t know how to play with other kids, can’t share, take turns, sit still for meals or do a puzzle.

My wife and I (and other family members) are all pretty seasoned parents. We love this kid but dread seeing him. We do see some marginal improvement between visits but struggle when he is running roughshod over others. Any suggestions?

— Uncle

Dear Uncle: The way you describe “Boo’s” behavior, his challenges are all related to behaving in a “pro-social” way. Kindergarten would definitely help. But his parents are taking the tougher path.

When you see him, invite him on a kid-friendly outing (hopefully without his folks). Pick an activity that does NOT include bright lights, loud music, or too much adjacent action. Take him on a short hike or go sledding or to a child-friendly gym. Correct him if he is aggressive, redirect him, and show calm and consistent adult behavior. Make a point of relating: “Boo did really well at first, but then he pushed his cousin. Our kids went through this stage ... do you want some suggestions?” Even during brief visits, you could influence “Boo” and his folks.

Dear Amy: I was surprised by your response to “Rap-attacked Dad.” He was horrified by his teen son’s choice in music. Honestly, I expected another narrow, knee-jerk Amy response. But in this case, you stood up for the teen. I loved your answer. Color me shocked.

— Pleasantly Surprised

Dear Surprised: Thank you. My mother’s long-ago embrace of Jethro Tull inspired me to understand that cultural literacy is enhanced when generations listen together — and talk about what they are hearing.