Adult children’s fighting sours family celebrations for parents

Dear Eric: I have three adult children. About three years ago there was an issue, and my oldest, Doug, and middle, Linda, disrespected each other. It wasn’t a small issue, but (in my and my wife’s opinion) it wasn’t a huge offense.

Neither will apologize. They refuse to speak to each other.

We have tried to bridge the gap, to no success. I’m not asking for them to kiss and make up. I’m just saying, “Be cordial and be humane to other people in our house.”

We host holiday meals and birthday parties at our house, and this animosity really hurts and makes the dynamics difficult. Even seating at the table needs to be arranged.

Recently, I told my wife, “Only people that are willing to be humane and cordial will be invited to family meals.” My wife doesn’t want to do that because she fears losing the grandchildren. I said, “Fine, for Easter meals they can be jerks, but for Christmas they have to be cordial. I’ll just go upstairs because it’s too painful to be there. And you can’t holler at me for being a jerk, because you don’t holler at them for being jerks.”

Am I asking too much?

— Stressed Father

Dear Father: You’re not asking too much, but be careful to not let your relationship with your wife become collateral damage to Doug and Linda’s fight. Although you see this situation differently, you and your wife have the same goal of family harmony.

Unfortunately, it seems unlikely that a “civil on Easter, acrimonious on Christmas” kind of split is going to work in practice. It’s more likely that a plain- spoken appeal to your kids will have an impact. You’ve tried to get them to bridge the gap, but I wonder if you’ve told them, clearly and honestly, how painful their poor behavior is for you. They’ve made their anger everyone’s problem, and it seems they’re the only ones who don’t have to do anything special to accommodate it. That needs to stop.

See how your wife feels about telling them, “It’s your business how you treat your sibling, but I’m asking you to stop involving me and your mother and the warm home we work so hard to create in this fight.”

She may not go for it, and I understand. But by holding the threat of losing access to your grandchildren over you, your kids are showing an unnecessary amount of cruelty to people (you) who don’t deserve it. That’s worth being spoken about in the open.

Dear Eric: My fiancé and I had to move back into his parents due to the crippling economy. My problem lies with his father. He is disabled and stubborn. He has been getting up to use the bathroom, which would be OK if he could do it properly. He can’t; he urinates all over the floor.

We have told him multiple times that, due to us having a child in the home, I always end up cleaning it, but I never get reimbursed. I’m seriously considering calling Adult Protective Services on grounds of self-neglect. He will not take showers as well and is a suicide risk. I want to call but I don’t want to be a problem starter in a family that’s already called Department of Children and Family Services on me out of pettiness. What would you do?

— In-Law Struggles

Dear In-Law: There are a few things that are concerning about the situation you’ve described. It sounds like your fiancé’s father needs more comprehensive help than he has access to. If he’s at risk for suicide and has problems providing for his basic needs, then, yes, Adult Protective Services or a social worker should be brought in to assist the family. This doesn’t strike me as pettiness; the family is neglecting a vulnerable individual.

I’m also concerned about the call made about you. Without more information, it’s not possible to comment save for pointing out that this living situation is not healthy for you or for your child.

You, your fiancé and whomever else is in the house need to have a frank conversation about the tensions in the house and how you can all best work to protect the vulnerable people in the home, namely your fiancé’s father and your child. It may be that this isn’t the right place to raise a child right now.

In your letter, I read frustration with your fiancé’s father. That’s understandable, but as you address what’s wrong in the house, try to focus on the bigger issue. He needs more support than he currently has, even if he doesn’t want it, and those of you helping him need more support, too.

Send questions to eric@ askingeric.com.